Dating in Your 40s – The Date Mix Dating and Relationship Advice for Today's Daters Sun, 18 Mar 2018 08:00:24 +0000 en-US hourly 1 11 Tips for Singles Over 40: How to Get Back Into Dating Sun, 18 Mar 2018 08:00:24 +0000 Advice on getting back into dating.

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Modern dating has changed dramatically over the past decade, so if you’re newly single it can be daunting to get back out there. (Especially when you’re a little out of practice!) But here’s the good news for all of you singles over 40—you’re wiser, you know what you want, you’re less impulsive, and you’re going to be so much better at dating than you were twenty years ago.

Naturally, you’re going to be a little unsure dipping your toes back into the dating pool, so here are 11 tips about getting back into dating in your 40s.

1. Make sure you’re ready to date again.
A lot of newly single men and women rush back into dating, either because their friends and family push them into it thinking it’s what they need in order to heal, or they themselves think they need a relationship to feel complete. But it’s so important that you recover from your previous relationships before jumping into another one, or you’ll continue to carry that emotional baggage with you forever.

When you’ve spent years alone or with one person, it can be difficult putting yourself out there and connecting intimately with someone new—so take as much time as you need. Take things slow, get to know each other, and allow that trust to grow organically over time.

2. Let go of the past. (But learn from it.)
Once you reach 40, you’re at a stage in your life where you finally understand what’s important when it comes to romantic relationships. You’re able to look back at your past ones and recognize any unhealthy patterns or mistakes you made, and learn from those so you get it right this time around.

Even if things ended on a bad note with your ex, try your best not to focus on it and move onwards and upwards. Dwelling on the past won’t do you any good, and mentioning your ex to someone new can be a big red flag that you’re not ready to meet someone yet.

And if you’re not ready yet—that’s okay too.

3. Take care of yourself.
There’s a lot of competition out there all the time, so you’ve gotta make sure you look and feel your best. Make sure you’re exercising, eating a healthy diet, keeping well groomed, and dressing in flattering clothes for your figure.

If you’re a woman, you don’t need to cake yourself in makeup and if you’re a man, you don’t need need to be sporting a six pack, but take care of yourself and you’ll be a total magnet when you start dating again.  

4. Don’t settle.
When a lot of people hit 40— especially women—they believe they’re past their prime and think there won’t be many good opportunities coming their way. This leads people to settle for the first okay person who shows up, even if they can’t ever see themselves truly falling in love with this person.

Use your head, but make sure you’re choosing with your heart, and holding out for that special someone. You deserve that.

5. Do some confidence building.
Being newly single in your 40s can mean your confidence has taken a hit after a tough breakup or divorce. This can leave people feeling insecure, and lacking in self-worth and self-love, which makes it extremely difficult to regain a positive outlook and move forwards.

But there are so many ways you can start building yourself back up and feeling happy and at peace within.

Spend some time getting acquainted with who you are today, and start dating yourself before you begin dating other people. Take yourself out to a fancy dinner, explore a new city, or go and visit a local gallery or exhibition that interests you. The more confident you feel inside, the more confident you’ll appear on the outside.

6. Explore your passions.
When you’re married and kids are on the scene, your hobbies and interests often get put on the back burner, and you can begin to lose a sense of who you are without this other person. Taking time to explore your passions will help you gain a new lease of life, and it might even lead you to your next relationship.

Take a dance class, start playing an instrument, take photography lessons, go to a cooking class, try yoga, or go rock climbing—there are endless new things you can try, and who knows what you’ll end up enjoying.

7. Spend time with other singles.
If all your current friends are settled or married, you need to start getting out there and making some new friends. You’ll struggle to meet someone if you’re only ever hanging out with your married friends and their children.

Trying out new hobbies is a great way to meet single people of a similar age who are at the same stage of life as you, and get you out into the social scene after work and on the weekends. Remember, you won’t meet someone sitting at home on the sofa.

8. Take the pressure off.
Most people find it difficult to walk up to a stranger they’re attracted to and generate a conversation out of thin air, and when you’re just getting back into dating this is probably the last thing you want to do.

Lucky for you, we live in the age of online dating. You can chat to single strangers at ease, and get comfortable meeting new people at your own pace, with no pressure. After the first few times, you’ll feel like it’s no big deal, and you’ll become more relaxed in new situations.

9. Get clear on what you want.
Before you begin dating again, think about the qualities you’re looking for in a partner. You don’t have to be too specific, this will simply help you become clearer about the kind of person you want to attract.

Not everyone you meet will be on the same page as you, or be looking for the same things you are—so getting clear on what you want will prevent you wasting any of your precious time with someone who isn’t going to be able to reciprocate your feelings in the long run.

10. Don’t be afraid to make the first move.
A lot of people are shy or lacking in confidence, so it doesn’t matter if you’re a man or woman—don’t be afraid to put yourself out there and make the first move if you’re interested in someone.

After all, what’s the worst that can happen? They’re already taken or not interested, and you can move on to the next person knowing you didn’t miss out on something potentially great!

11. Forget that you are 40!
Just because there are younger people out there it doesn’t mean you’ll get passed over for them—so quit thinking that and let people make their own minds up, okay?!

Your age is simply a number, and I encourage you to forget all about it. Instead, make a list of all your best qualities, and the things that make you amazing. Celebrate who you are today. Attraction is largely down to self-confidence and energy. When you feel good within, people can pick up on those infectious vibrations.

Whatever you do, make sure you enjoy yourself, getting back into dating can see daunting at first but it can also be incredibly fun if you let it. 

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Why Dating Over 40 Is Like a Box of Chocolates Thu, 08 Feb 2018 09:00:45 +0000 Because some people like the nutty ones.

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With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, you’re probably used to seeing those big hearts filled with chocolates at every store—and everyone has their favorite candy in the box. Some like nuts; some like caramel; some like marshmallow, while others like coconut. Your favorite can be very different from someone else’s. And when you’re dating over 40, you’re going to meet a lot of people that are as varied and diverse as those chocolates.

Not sure what I mean yet? Well, let me spell it out for you.

Here are five types of people that you’ll meet while dating over 40:

The nutty chocolate
How many times have you shared your stories with friends about the nuts you’ve dated? They may have seemed all smooth and sweet on the outside, but inside they were lumpy, nutty and full of crazy ideas.

The marshmallow
This person seems so extra sweet, cuddly, and fluffy and you thought they were going to be easy-going and uncomplicated. But, oh boy, did they turn out to be sticky, needy, and impossible to get rid of.

The caramel
Just the thought of being with this person makes you want to salivate. They are oh-so-smooth and you just can’t wait for the next time you’re together. But, they can turn out to be messy.

The nougat
This person is a little tougher than the rest (not so smooth or sweet as the other chocolates in the box) but they’re textured, complex, and delicious in their own way. The only downside is that they never quite satisfy that sweet tooth, so you’re always just a little unsatisfied.

The surprise chocolate
By the time you find the surprise chocolate, you’ve experienced almost all the chocolates out there. You couldn’t tell what was inside it and weren’t sure you would like it. You took the chance, took a big bite, and wound up loving it! The one you thought wouldn’t be for you, turned out to be the best choice ever.

In the movie Forest Gump, his mother said, “Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you’re gonna get.” I say, “Dating is like a box of chocolates. You have to taste all the flavors until you find the one you love!”


To read more of Tonia’s work and learn about her book Single and Not Settling, visit or follower her on Twitter at @ToniaDeCosimo.

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5 Things to Ask Yourself This December if You’re 40 and Single Wed, 13 Dec 2017 09:00:40 +0000 Did you make an effort to date?

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When most people think of December, they think of holidays and the New Year around the corner. But it’s also a time to look back and remember both our successes and (hopefully not) our failures. Remembering can be a form of learning. For those of us who are in our 40s and single, reflecting upon our dating efforts from the past year is a way to learn from our mistakes and reinforce the positives.

To create a positive dating experience moving forward in the New Year, ask yourself these questions:

1. Did you make the effort to date?
Saying you want to meet someone and actually doing something about it are two different things. Think back over the past year and decide whether or not you put enough effort into meeting someone.

2. Were you too picky?
Did you not give certain people a chance because you thought they weren’t your type or they weren’t good enough for you? If you answered yes, you may want to rethink your standards and maybe give a person a second date.

3. Were you overwhelmed with too many choices that perhaps you let a good one slip by?
Maybe it’s time to slow down and give yourself a chance to really get to know someone before moving on to the next date.

4. Have you let someone go because you thought a better catch was on the horizon?
We certainly don’t want to settle, as discussed in my book, “Single and Not Settling! A Journey of Surviving the Dating World”. However, who or what are you waiting for? If you find yourself saying goodbye to someone because of a vague hope for something more, you may not be giving that person (and yourself) a fair chance to see if it’s right.

5. Is your list of qualities you want in a partner realistic?
Remember, nobody is perfect; everyone is going to have some flaw or baggage, especially as we get older in life and date people in their 40s and 50s. It’s great to know what you want but you also shouldn’t let the idea you have in your mind block you from the amazing reality that’s right in front of you.

These are just a few of the questions you should ask yourself as you reflect back and remember your dating experiences over the past year. There are so many factors that come into play while dating in your 40s. You don’t want to settle, yet you do want to be sensible about your dating goals. Take this December to remember the past year and create a realistic game plan for dating in 2018. Let this be the year that, next December, you can remember a positive and fulfilling way.


To read more of Tonia’s work and learn about her book Single and Not Settling, visit or follower her on Twitter at @ToniaDeCosimo.

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7 Essential Tips for Dating After 40 Mon, 11 Dec 2017 09:00:30 +0000 A few things you need to know.

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Meeting someone is hard. Sometimes it seems like the older you are, the more difficult it gets. In your 40s, it’s less common to meet other people in bars or through friends. Many of your peers are married (or divorced), and dating just isn’t what it used to be. But fear not, dating is alive and well for people of all ages. Maybe you’re divorced, frustrated with looking, or happily single. No matter what you are, here are some helpful tips for anyone dating after 40.

1. A lot of dating happens online.
It’s increasingly rare to strike up a conversation at a bar or out in the world that leads to something more. Why? Because everyone is online. If you’re new to online dating, welcome. We know it can be a lot to take in at once, but it really is a fantastic (and easy) way to meet quality people who check your boxes. If you’ve been hesitant to join the online dating community, we highly suggest giving it a shot.

2. Not everyone you like online will like you back, or even message you back.
You don’t automatically click with everyone you meet in the real world, and the same goes in the online dating world. It’s exciting to find a profile you like and send a message to a potential match you’re interested in, but it’s also important to be realistic about the response rate. Sometimes, even if you’re certain you’d hit it off with somebody, you just might never hear back from them. There are so many reasons why messages go unreturned, but try not to take it personally. Trust us: It happens to everyone. Don’t look back; look ahead to the next match.

3. Take charge.
You’re in your 40s. You know who you are, what you like, and what you don’t like. You have lots of life experience and great things to offer. If you like someone, take charge and go for it! And if you feel like you’re too old to chase people or play games, then you don’t have to. You’re in charge of your love life, and we encourage you to own it to the fullest.

4. Try not to judge your dates too quickly.
When you know what you want and what you don’t want, it’s easy to assume people aren’t right for you and turn them down. But we’ll be honest: There are simply less eligible fish in the sea than there used to be. We’re not saying that you should settle, but if there’s someone who caught your eye but doesn’t check every single box on your list, consider giving them a chance. You’ll never know if you have chemistry until you give it a shot.

5. Make yourself stand out.
Thanks to online dating, men and women have a lot of options these days. And while it’s great that there are so many potential matches out there, it also means you have to sift through a lot of frogs to find your prince. One way you can help speed the process up is by making yourself stand out. Be unique! Be flirty! Daters so often complain that every single’s profile is filled with the same overused clichés. So dial up what makes you, you, and show the world just how awesome you are. It’ll make a big difference.

6. Don’t rush into things after a divorce or serious breakup.
After a marriage or a serious relationship ends, it can be tempting to jump into the arms of another right away. And while it’s ok to date—hey, it’s a nice distraction!— it’s also important to take some time with yourself. Reflect on why things ended and take ownership of what you can improve about yourself. That way, when you are ready for another relationship, you’ll be much more mentally and emotionally prepared.

7. Be yourself.
If you’re looking for something serious and want to settle down, you don’t have to pretend like you’re interested in casual hookups. If you’re going gray, you don’t have to use pictures on your online dating profile that are from 2004. If you like ice fishing, don’t say you like shopping and going to the movies like everyone else does. Just be yourself! You’ll be much happier, and attract the right kind of people.

Forget about the stigmas and stereotypes of dating after 40. Plenty of people are out there doing it, and they’re waiting to meet you. Be yourself and have fun out there!

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Having One-Night Stands while Dating in Your 40s Mon, 23 Oct 2017 23:00:19 +0000 Sometimes it all depends on what your goals for dating are and what you want out of the specific date you’re on.

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As the author of the book Single and Not Settling! A Journey of Surviving the Dating World I’ve interviewed a number of men and women in their 40s on the topic of one-night stands. Of course everyone has their point of view, but the majority of people I talked to felt that sleeping with someone on the first date was not a wise choice. Personally, I don’t recommend having a one-night stand but I’m not judging those who do. It all depends on what your goals for dating are and what you want out of the specific date you’re on.

With that in mind, here are some pros and cons of having a one-night stand while dating in your 40s:

Con: One-night stands are risky.
In the heat of the moment, when passions are in full swing, it’s easy to give in and spend the night with someone. However, you really don’t know their background and if you forgo using protection (which you should never do) you may suffer the obvious consequences of your decision.

Because you don’t know the person or their intentions, one-night stands can be a risk. You’re putting yourself in a vulnerable situation. Whether you’re at their place, your place, or a hotel, you’re alone with a virtual stranger and your friends or family don’t know where you are. If you decide to change your mind, leaving can get awkward and uncomfortable. Not to mention, the next morning.

Con: If you really like the person, you’re sending the wrong message.
If the person you’ve just met is someone you really want to get to know and have as a part of your future, they may look at you in a different light after sleeping with you. After all, they don’t call it a one-night stand for nothing. If you sleep with someone the first time you meet them, chances are you won’t be hearing from them again. You may find yourself dumped after one night of passion, or end up as a booty call whenever the person you met is in the mood. If this is what you want, then great. Go for it. But if you want something more serious, and really like the person you’re with, jumping into a physical relationship too soon may not get you what your after.

Con: It’s hard to be on the same page with someone.
It’s not unusual for people to bond during a night of passion. One of you may feel connected from this one-night stand while the other doesn’t, which can create animosity and emotional turmoil.

Con: People talk.
Remember, we live in a small world where everyone knows everyone, especially with social media. Your one-night stand could end up being someone’s tweet or text for the whole world to know.

Despite all of these negatives, there can be some positives to a one-night stand too.

Pro: Sometimes they turn into something more.
With some one-night stands, the connection is so strong that it grows into something serious. Maybe this just happened to be your future soulmate and the passion and connection is so deep that you live a happily ever after.

Pro: You get to have sex.
So this one’s obvious, but it’s worth stating. We all know how miserable we can feel when we haven’t had a lovefest for some time. A one night stand can relieve that sexual tension, and give you the confidence in yourself and your desirability that you need. Having a great night of intimacy can create a feeling of excitement and being needed. Who doesn’t love that?

Pro: It’s good practice.
Because the pressure’s off, one-night stands can be a good opportunity to explore sexually. You may learn things about yourself and also different sexual techniques that you can add to your arsenal of sexual satisfactions. It’s sort of like practicing for the future when you’re with someone you really like and want to impress.

Since you’re a mature adult over 40, the decision about whether or not to have a one-night stand is ultimately yours. Just keep in mind; there are pros and cons to everything. You may end up regretting it and then again, you may not.


To read more of Tonia’s work and learn about her book Single and Not Settling, visit or follower her on Twitter at @ToniaDeCosimo.

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Dating Again at 40: Ways to Jump Back In the Game Wed, 11 Oct 2017 08:00:18 +0000 Remember... dating is about searching for another person, but it's also about finding yourself in the process.

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Whether you’re recently single or just took a break from the dating game for a while for personal reasons, you can’t just pick up where you left off, two, five, ten, years ago. The world changes and, when it comes to dating and relationships, it changes fast. If it’s been a while and you’ve found yourself dating again at 40, here are seven ways to get yourself back in the game.

1. Prepare your body and mind.
Try to look at mingling and dating as a new adventure. Thinking about dating as a new experience you’re open to trying out, and not a dreaded job or chore you have to do, can raise your energy and excitement, suggests Patti Wood, a body language expert and author. Also, do whatever you have to do to make yourself feel ready to dive into dating again. Get your nails done, dye your hair, or change your wardrobe. They’re little things but they can give you confidence. Now’s the time!

2. Talk to strangers.
Whether you’re in a coffee shop, in a store, or in line at the grocery store, start conversations with interesting, safe people wherever you go. Not only is it good practice, but you never know who you’ll meet and where. “My mom met my dad at a dance she hadn’t wanted to go to because she was tired from a long day at work but her sister said, ‘Go, you might meet somebody.’ She met my dad on a Wednesday and married him a WEEK later,” says Wood.

3. Avoid blind dates.
If you’re just getting back into the dating game, David Essel, a life coach and best-selling author, says you should both exchange photos, and a little bit about yourself before you blindly go off for anything more than coffee. “If you’re going to go on a blind date, make it super short. Coffee, ice cream, a short walk in the park, or on the beach. Don’t put yourself in a situation of a blind date and a three hour dinner. Bad move.”

4. Look for Meet Ups.
Ask yourself what you like to do, or if you’ve been a homebody for a while what you use to like to do. Do you enjoy painting? Find a group and go to a studio that’s holding a class, or you can even start your own meet up and invite others. This is the perfect opportunity for you to be in your own comfort zone and the chance to talk to new people.

5. Go out by yourself.
It’s never fun being the third wheel and traveling in packs with friends can sometimes intimidate people who may be interested otherwise. “Eat out at restaurants you feel comfortable in and that the kind of people you feel good around go to. Sit at the bar where you can make new friends. If that seems overwhelming, go sit at the bar and order take out and get a drink, (sodas work if you don’t drink) so you sit there for a few minutes, then build up to sitting there for a full meal and talking to strangers around you,” suggests Wood.

6. Make an online dating profile.
This is a good way to put yourself back out their virtually, and once you start getting messages, it’ll help build up some confidence and self-esteem, too. “Too many individuals don’t have the time to go on a ton of blind dates, or out to bars hunting and searching for the perfect life partner. Online dating, if done correctly, can help introduce you to a variety of people you would never meet,” says Essel.

7. Ask your friends for help.
If you’re jumping back into the dating game, don’t go at it alone. Ask your friends and family if they know anyone who they can set you up with. “Keep saying what you’re looking for. Your friends and family may forget you’re looking. Remind them!” says Wood.

Dating again at 40 can seem intimidating at times but with the right attitude and a little structure, you may be surprised how much fun you’ll have. Approach every date as an opportunity to learn about someone new, don’t put pressure on yourself to meet ‘the one’ right away, and dive in. Dating is about searching for another person, but it’s also about finding yourself in the process.

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