Moving On – The Date Mix https://www.zoosk.com/date-mix Dating and Relationship Advice for Today's Daters Sat, 09 Dec 2017 09:00:07 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=4.5 Moving On After Divorce: Blame vs. Forgiveness https://www.zoosk.com/date-mix/relationship-advice/moving-on/moving-on-after-divorce/ Mon, 04 Dec 2017 09:00:21 +0000 https://www.zoosk.com/date-mix/?p=15649 It's hard to forgive, but it's an important step to truly move on.

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We only need to look at the fall television line-up to see that American culture is obsessed with villains and heroes. While characters that represent either good or evil make a compelling, watchable action story, such broad categorizing of human behavior isn’t healthy when you’re working on moving on after divorce. For many it’s easier to believe that a villain, either inside or outside of the marriage, is to blame for a divorce.

Dating back to Adam and Eve, humans have found it necessary to make someone responsible when something goes wrong. Adam blamed Eve; Eve blamed the snake. The problem with blame is that it offers no sustainable emotional relief. Blame is a toxic substance that eats up the carrier. To recover and flourish after divorce, the blame game must be exchanged for forgiveness.

Here are some ways to forgive and move on after divorce:

Understand the difference between forgiving and condoning.
Too often people feel that if they forgive someone for their hurtful behaviour, they are condoning what occurred. Condoning means accepting or overlooking while forgiving is an action that means you stop feeling anger or resentment. For example, it’s perfectly acceptable that you never condone your spouse for betraying your marriage; however, the act of forgiveness releases you from carrying the weight of that betrayal.

Accept that forgiveness creates internal harmony.
When people get caught up in the idea that forgiveness means letting someone who harmed them off the hook for damaging behaviour, turn the attention inward. Forgiveness is about making an active decision to let go of resentment because it harms you.

Forgiving doesn’t mean that you stop feeling hurt.
Forgiving is an action that is part of the healing process. It does not mean that you stop feeling sad, crying, or grieving. There is no expectation that you need to minimize your feelings.

Forgiveness does not equal trust.
Appreciate that while you may actively forgive your former spouse for past behaviors, the relationship trust has been broken. To forgive does not mean that you must believe what your former spouse says, it just means that you are not going to carry resentment within you.

Maybe they truly don’t know better.
To err is human. To repeatedly show bad judgement and hurt others is indicative of a bigger problem. If your former spouse consistently shows self-absorbed, disrespectful, even lying behaviours, consider that they may lack the ability to do better. Even if they meet all the characteristics of a true villain, let go of blame by feeling thankful that you no longer will intimately invest in a situation that will not change. If they do not have the capacity to change, forgive them for not having a moral compass or conscience to guide them.

If you want to move on after divorce and find happiness within yourself and a new relationship, start with forgiveness. It’s the greatest gift you can give yourself.

 

Dr. Julie Gowthorpe, R.S.W. http://www.drjuliegowthorpersw.com/ is an internationally acclaimed emotional health and relationship expert. She offers strategic approaches to help people find ways to verbally express, profoundly heal and to finally go the distance required for optimal living. As an author, speaker and expert radio personality, Dr. Gowthorpe provides engaging, practical advice and speaks about topics involving positive parenting, healthy relationships and mental well-being.

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Breakup Messages: Over 60 Quotes About Breaking Up https://www.zoosk.com/date-mix/dating-advice/breakup-messages-quotes-about-breaking-up/ Sun, 12 Nov 2017 09:00:44 +0000 https://www.zoosk.com/date-mix/?p=15505 "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." - Dr. Seuss

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When you’re in the middle of a breakup it can feel like the moment you’re in and the things you’re feeling will last forever. There’s a feeling of permanence that comes with the particular pain of heartbreak that’s hard to see past. But as anyone who’s ever been through a breakup will tell you, the pain does fade with time and the way you’re feeling now won’t last forever. But we’re not going to lie, it can take a while. To help you through the hard times in a breakup, we’ve compiled over X breakup messages and quotes about breaking up from people who have been there before and come out on the other side.

 

May the bridges I burn, light the way. – Dylan McKay

If you have to beg someone to be in your life then then don’t belong there. – Mandy Hale

There will always be a place for you in my life, just not in my heart. – Unknown

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. – Marilyn Monroe

Breakup Message: One bad chapter... doesn't mean your story is over.

How I felt about you hasn’t changed, but you have. – Unknown

You’re not worth my love if you need reasons to find me worthy of yours. – Unknown

You don’t lose a good man, you lose a man who’s not good for you. – Steve Harvey

Life isn’t easy
Love never lasts
You just carry on
And keep moving fast.
– Linda Ronstadt

Not everyone you lose is a loss. – Unknown

There are times when sorry seems the only truth. – Oscar Wilde

I know that’s what people say—you’ll get over it. I’d say it, too. But I know it’s not true. Oh, you’ll be happy again, never fear. But you won’t forget. Every time you fall in love it will be because something in the man reminds you of him. – Betty Smith

I think you still love me, but we can’t escape the fact that I’m not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So I’m not blaming you for falling in love with another woman. I’m not angry, either. I should be, but I’m not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong.  – Haruki Murakami

Breakup Message: You are going to date a few cowards before you meet someone brave enough to love you.Like some wines our love could neither mature nor travel. – Graham Greene

I walked away because you were busy finding faults in me, and I was busy overlooking yours. – Unknown

Before something great happens, everything falls apart. – Unknown

Nothing changes you…. I left you because I knew I could never change you. You would stand in the room so still sometimes, as if the greatest betrayal of yourself would be to reveal one more inch of your character. –  Michael Ondaatje, The English Patient

Some things can be fixed. Some things are just too broken. – Susan Vaught

When someone walks away from you, it’s not the end of your story. It’s just the end of their time in your story. – Unknown

I want to be in a relationship that feels good on the inside, and doesn’t just look good on the outside. – Unknown

Sometimes people cry not because they’re weak, but because they’ve been strong for too long.  – Unknown

And now you’ve lost the only thing that ever made you feel alive. – Keith Urban

Trust is like a glass, once broken it will never be the same again. – Unknown

Breakup Messages: Just because someone desires you, doesn't mean they value you.I may have lost someone who didn’t love me, but you lost someone who truly loved you. – Unknown

So I would choose to be with you. That’s if the choice were mine to make. But you can make decisions too, and you can have this heart to break. – Billy Joel

A lesson hurts before it teaches. – Unknown

Love is worth fighting for, but not if you’re the only one fighting. – Unknown

Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck. – Dalai lama

Lies don’t end relationships, the truth does. – Unknown

I miss the time when I actually meant something to you. – Unknown

How come you don’t want me now? Why don’t you want to wait this out? How come you always lead me on, never take my call, hear me out? Why don’t you want to win me now? Why don’t you want to show me off? Tell me why you couldn’t try, couldn’t try and keep me. – Tegan and Sara

We broke up, but my feelings didn’t. – Unknown

Never love anybody who treats you like you’re ordinary. – Oscar Wilde

It’s ok to be alone, that’s when you find yourself. – Unknown

I will survive and be the one who’s stronger. I will not beg you to stay. I will move on and you should know I mean it. Wild horses run in me. – Birdy

I don’t hate you, I just lost respect for you. – Unknown

The toughest part of letting go is realizing the other person already did. – Unknown

You can’t choose what stays and what fades away. And I’d do anything to make you stay. – Florence and The Machine

Sometimes the best revenge is to smile and move on. – Unknown

He needs space and time, as if this were physics and not a human relationship.  – Kathryn Stockett, The Help

I’m tired of fighting. For once I want to be fought for. – Unknown

It’s really over, you made your stand. You got me crying, as was your plan. But when my loneliness is through, I’m gonna find another you. -John Mayer

Now I see things for what they are, not what I want them to be. – Unknown

I never stopped loving you, I just stopped showing it. – Unknown

A pain stabbed my heart, as it did every time I saw a girl I loved who was going the opposite direction in this too-big world. – Jack Kerouac

He broke my heart. You merely broke my life. –  Vladimir Nabokov

Hatred would have been easier. With hatred, I would have known what to do. Hatred is clear, metallic, one-handed, unwavering; unlike love. -Margaret Atwood

Was I heartbroken or furious? I didn’t know. I did know: that’s it. Our relationship could not continue like this, out of balance, unequal. And as surely as I knew this, I knew something else: But of course it can. We can continue to live exactly as we do right now, in a heavy-lidded state of love and unspeakable compromise. Isn’t that what people do? Every day? Don’t they ache but rename it tired? It made me wonder: Was it even fair to expect the person you’re with to be just as happy as you? Furthermore, how could you ever even know for sure? You couldn’t, was the truth of it. You could not know this.”  – Augusten Burroughs, Lust & Wonder

In time I will fade away. In time I won’t hear what you say. In time, but time takes time you know. – Ben Folds

What happens to people that love each other? I suppose they have whatever they have, and they are more fortunate than others. Then one of them gets the emptiness forever.  – Ernest Hemingway

Breakup Messages: No person has the right to rain on your dreams.I’m not leaving you for making mistakes, I’m leaving you for making the same mistakes too many times. – Unknown

I miss your smile, but I miss mine even more. – Kid Cudi

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain. – Vivian Greene

There will always be a place for you in my life, just not in my heart. – Unknown

Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck. – Daliai Lama

There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind. – C.S. Lewis

Love is like quicksand, the further you fall in the harder it is to get out. – Unknown

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. – Dr. Seuss

Missing you isn’t what hurts, it’s knowing that I had you that’s killing me. -Unknown

Even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger. – Sarah Evans

One day they’ll realize they lost a diamond while playing with worthless stones. – Turcois Ominek

Your absence is teaching me things your presence never could. – Unknown

He brought out the worst in me, and was the best thing that ever happened to me. – Coco J. Ginger

Only time can heal a broken heart, only time can heal his broken arms and legs. – Miss Piggy

If they’re stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let them go. – Unknown

Don’t cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won’t let you see the starts. – Violeta Para

Breaking up is a natural evolution when you try to figure out what you want in life. – Usher

I used to hope that you’d bring me flowers. Now I plant my own. – Rachel Wolchin

 

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The Bad Breakup Guide: How to Stay Positive and Move On https://www.zoosk.com/date-mix/relationship-advice/breaking-up/bad-breakup-guide/ Tue, 07 Nov 2017 09:00:39 +0000 https://www.zoosk.com/date-mix/?p=15538 It's hard to keep a positive mindset after a breakup. Here are some tips to help.

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Chances are you’ve been through a breakup at some point in your life. Whether it was a recent and difficult breakup, or a high school sweetheart from years ago, these events shape who we are and how we form new relationships. Learning how to accept and validate your feelings is critical to moving on and forming a new happy and healthy relationship.

This bad breakup guide is created from the knowledge Rachel Dack, a licensed therapist, who shared her insight with me and my husband Chase on our I Do Podcast #118: Bad Breakups: Learn How Past Relationships Shape Who We Are. In the interview we go even more in-depth about accepting and validating your feelings so you can move into a new happy and healthy relationship.

Take the time to heal. 
After a breakup, it’s tempting to avoid dealing with your feelings and not take the time to heal. You may find yourself denying, disowning, or ignoring your feelings and trying to distract or numb yourself with alcohol, emotional eating, sex, or dating too quickly. These avoidance tactics become problematic and keep you unavailable and unable to gain the healthy closure you’re looking for. If you want to be fully emotionally available to attract the right person, you must take the time to heal. The goal during your healing process should be to accept your feelings and validate your emotions about the relationship and breakup without any judgement. You have to grieve the loss before you can welcome in a new relationship without baggage. Acknowledging the pain you feel now will allow you to heal permanently instead of on a temporary basis.

Prepare to date again.
Unfortunately, there is no set amount of time it takes for someone to heal and be ready to move on, however, if you’re experiencing any of the following behaviors, you may not be ready to start dating again:

  • You’re stuck in the past.
  • You have a negative mindset.
  • You’re still angry about what happened with your ex.
  • Your guard is up.
  • You feel fearful about relationships.
  • You reject people that treat you well.
  • You become a serial dater.

If you’re going on dates, and all you can think about is your ex or an unresolved breakup, you’re not going to be present enough to connect to the person sitting across from you. Before you start dating again, it’s important to be willing to participate in self discovery in order to learn from your breakup and previous relationship.

Create a healthy mindset.
Even if you don’t feel completely ready to start dating again, you can use positive affirmations to help rewire your brain. A healthy mindset is key to successful dating and keeping the past in the past.

Positive Affirmation Example: “I am open and ready to connect.”

This research based technique allows your thoughts and goals to guide your actions. If your thoughts are not supporting your dating goals, then your focus should be on changing your mindset.

Negative Mindset Example: “I don’t want to date a jerk.”

Positive Mindset Example: “I want to attract a partner who treats me well, and who wants to make our relationship a priority.”

In addition to positive affirmations, do a thorough investigation of your own beliefs. Take ownership of your own thoughts and feelings and gain awareness of your patterns. Understanding and being aware of your patterns is a critical step in having a successful future relationship.

 

To hear the full interview and get more tips about online dating and relationships check out Episode 118 of the I Do Podcast with Sarah and Chase: #118: Bad Breakups: Learn How Past Relationships Shape Who We Are. And to get more great advice to improve your relationship and fun ways to keep the spark alive, check out the I Do Podcast on iTunes or download the show directly.

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Why You Can’t Get Over Your Ex https://www.zoosk.com/date-mix/relationship-advice/breaking-up/can-not-get-over-my-ex/ Thu, 26 Oct 2017 08:00:45 +0000 https://www.zoosk.com/date-mix/?p=15469 A few things that may be holding you back from moving forward.

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We all have that friend who instantly bounces back after a breakup. Within days, she’s already revamped her online dating profile; deleted all of her ex’s social media accounts, photos, and anything else that proved his existence; and moved on. Within weeks, she’s dating someone new, having fun with her girlfriends, and basically living her best life. All remnants of her ex and her so-called broken heart have vanished.

Then there are those of us who are completely gutted after a breakup. It doesn’t matter how long we were with someone—weeks, months, decades—or how much we know, deep down, how incompatible we really were, breakups leave us completely devastated for a long, long time. We find ourselves in a negative spiral of depression and anxiety as we try to determine what went wrong, and wonder how we can ever be happy again. And then there are some of us who might even find ourselves in a brand new relationship, but yet still think about their ex for years afterwards.

So what gives? Why can’t you move on? Here are some very common, and normal, reasons why you can’t get over your ex.

1. It’s your brain chemistry.
Love is all about chemistry, literally. According to Dr. Berit Broagaard, when we find ourselves attracted to someone who’s unavailable or unstable—basically a bad match for us—the uncertainty fuels our attraction. In other words, we’re chemically inclined to love someone who’s bad for us. Great.

Their unpredictable behavior decreases your brain’s serotonin levels (the feel-good chemical) as well as your dopamine levels (the pleasure seeking chemical) when they’re away or unavailable. But once they text you, or are in your vicinity, your dopamine levels immediately shoot up, and want to feel that pleasure again, and again…

No wonder our attraction to the bad boy becomes like an addiction. Dr. Brogaard recommends treating this addiction like any other—don’t go cold turkey, but gradually get this person out of your life. If you must, try not to even think or talk about your ex. Taking charge of your own mind, including studying meditation or mindfulness, will eventually help you kick the habit.

2. You haven’t allowed yourself to grieve.
Breakups can activate old wounds, like past losses, relationships, and rejections. If you haven’t allowed yourself to fully process your experience, then there’s a good chance you’ll remain stuck thinking about your broken relationship. There isn’t a timeline on grief, but generally, it’s best to acknowledge your feelings as soon as you’re experiencing them. Grieving looks and feels different to everyone. Maybe it’s allowing yourself to sob or scream, maybe it’s writing down everything you’re feeling in a journal, or maybe it’s speaking with a professional. Often times we want to distract ourselves as soon as a breakup occurs, and tell ourselves to just get over it. But refusing to process and recognize our emotions will only lead to further emotional upheavals down the road.

3. Your image of your ex is allowing you to play it safe.
Romanticizing your ex is an easy thing to do, especially when you’re feeling lonely. You might even believe that you’re still in love with your ex after a long trip down memory lane. However, as much as it’s nice to replay your relationship like the rom-com it never was, the nostalgia is just your ego trying to hold you back from finding someone new. Here’s the thing: your ego wants you to play it safe. It doesn’t like risks. Which is why it’s easier to obsess and fantasize about an ex rather than risk falling in love with someone new.

Risking your heart is scary. No one likes being hurt. But it’s important to remember that you have fallen in love with new people before—and you can definitely do it again. Humans are wired to love. Remind yourself of the times you took a chance to get to know someone new, and take pride in that. Use that as your fuel and go try out that dating app, or say hi to the cute barista at your local coffee shop. Each little step forward will help you break the cycle.

By accepting that the relationship is over and processing our emotions, while actively reshaping our mind after a breakup, we can shove our ego aside and be open to new love—the kind we deserve.

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Lonely Songs: Over 100 Songs About Loneliness and Being Alone https://www.zoosk.com/date-mix/relationship-advice/moving-on/loney-songs-over-100-songs-about-loneliness-and-being-alone/ Sat, 12 Aug 2017 08:00:51 +0000 https://www.zoosk.com/date-mix/?p=14850 Because when you're feeling lonely, a good song can be good company.

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Loneliness comes in many forms. Sometimes you’re lonely because someone you love has left you, other times the loneliness comes from not having anyone to love at all. There’s the actual real physical lonely of being the only one in a room, on a beach, in a house, in your car on a long empty stretch of highway. Then there’s the loneliness of a Friday night with nothing to do and nowhere to go, or of nobody to call when you have something you want to say. There are the times when you’re surrounded by people, in a big city or a crowded room and you feel lonely because nobody’s there with you. (Well, not really anyway, not in the way that counts.) You can be lonely in a relationship, when the person you’re with is there physically but distant somehow. There’s the loneliness of being the only one to think or feel a certain way. The loneliness of having lost something or someone you were once close to. You can be lonely in the world―someone separate, solitary, and isolated from your fellow travelers. There’s road-weary lonely, stuck-at-home lonely, lonely and surrounded by strangers, lonely because you want to be, and lonely because you don’t know any other way to be.

Many would say that being lonely is part of the human condition. Perhaps that’s why so many artists and musicians have used it as the topic of some of their greatest works. From classic blues tunes by Memphis Slim or Eric Clapton to country songs from Waylon Jennings, Dolly Parton, and Patsy Cline, this playlist features some of the best lonely songs from a variety of eras and genres of music.

If you’re looking for songs about loneliness and being alone, take a break from your own solitude to explore some of the songs from people who have felt a similar way and had something to say about it.

 

  1. Only the Lonely, Roy Orbison
  2. Lonesome, On’ry and Mean, Waylon Jennings
  3. Dreams, Fleetwood MacHe Called Me Baby, Candi Staton
  4. Lonely Avenue, Ray Charles
  5. How to Fight Loneliness, Wilco
  6. All Is Loneliness, Janis Joplin
  7. When Lonely Hits Your Heart, Loretta Lynn
  8. King of Pain, The Police
  9. Eleanor Rigby, The Beatles
  10. Lonely Teardrops, Jackie Wilson
  11. Lonesome, Dr. Dog
  12. Lonely People,  America
  13. Gale Song, The Lumineers
  14. So Lonesome I Could Cry, Hank Williams
  15. So Far Away, Carole King
  16. Tired of Being Alone, Al Green
  17. Lonely, Emeli Sande
  18. Lonely Stranger, Eric Clapton
  19. Lonely Street, Patsy Cline
  20. Too Lonely, Neil Young
  21. Another Saturday Night, Sam Cooke
  22. Lonely Town, Lonely Street, Bill Withers
  23. I’ve Been Lonely Too Long, The Young Rascals
  24. All I Want, Joni Mitchell
  25. Goddamn Lonely Love, Drive-By Truckers
  26. What’s Good, Lou Reed
  27. Lonesome Dreams, Lord Huron
  28. Wake Up Alone, Amy Winehouse
  29. Lonesome Day, Bruce Springsteen
  30. Solitary Man, Neil Diamond
  31. Lonesome Tears, Beck
  32. I Get Lonely, Janet Jackson
  33. Lonesome, Memphis Slim
  34. The Lonesome Song, Jamey Johnson
  35. Are You Lonesome Tonight, Elvis Presley
  36. Blue and Lonesome, The Rolling Stones
  37. Shape of My Heart, Noah and the Whale
  38. Empty Chairs, Don McLean
  39. Whiskey Drink, The Lonesome Trio
  40. So Doggone Lonesome, Johnny Cash
  41. I Get Lonesome, Beck
  42. All Alone, Gorillaz
  43. Alone Again (Naturally), Gilbert O’Sullivan
  44. Solitude, Billie Holiday
  45. The Only Living Boy in New York, Simon & Garfunkel
  46. Another Lonely Song, Tammy Wynette
  47. Better Off Alone, Steve Earle
  48. Lonely Hearts, The Kinks
  49. The Long and Winding Road, The Beatles
  50. It’s Only a Paper Moon, Ella Fitzgerald
  51. Sleeping Single in a Double Bed, Barbara Mandrell
  52. Tea for One, Led Zeppelin
  53. Space Oddity, David Bowie
  54. Girl from North County, Bob Dylan and Johnny Cash
  55. When Will I Be Loved, The Everly Brothers
  56. People Are Strange, The Doors
  57. Isolation, John Lennon
  58. Under the Bridge, Red Hot Chilli Peppers
  59. The Loner, Neil Young
  60. Lonely Boy, Paul Anka
  61. You’re Nobody Till Somebody Loves You, Dean Martin
  62. Lonesome Feelings, Bob Marley and the Wailers
  63. One, Three Dog Night
  64. Blue Bayou, Linda Ronstadt
  65. Drive, The Cars
  66. The Queen Is Dead, The Smiths
  67. i’Loneliness, Annie Lennox
  68. I Aint Got Nobody, Bessie Smith
  69. I Better Be Quiet Now, Eliot Smith
  70. I’ll Never Love, Micheal Kiwanuka
  71. It Makes No Difference, The Band
  72. Left Alone, Fiona Apple
  73. Out of Touch, Hall & Oates
  74. She Don’t Love You, Eric Paslay
  75. Single Women, Dolly Parton
  76. Solo, Frank Ocean
  77. Stealin’, Uriah Heep
  78. Lonely Old Lies, Neko Case
  79. The Road, Jackson Browne
  80. Tonight I Think I’m Going to Go Downtown, The Flatliners
  81. Hello In There, John Prine
  82. Traveling Light, Leonard Cohen
  83. Turn the Page, Bob Seeger
  84. Hungry Ghost, Hurray for the Riff Raff
  85. Voices, Ryan Adams
  86. 4 Seasons of Loneliness, Boys II Men
  87. Wherever I May Roam, Metallica
  88. Sad Memory, Buffalo Springfield
  89. This Empty Place, The Searchers
  90. Wild and Lonesome, Shooter Jennings
  91. Winter Winds, Mumford and Sons
  92. The Lonely One, Nat King Cole
  93. Lonely Days, The Beach Boys
  94. Saturday Night (Is the Loneliness Night of the Week), Frank Sinatra
  95. Desperado, The Eagles
  96. Lonely, Akon
  97. Glass, Concrete, and Stone, David Byrne
  98. I Need My Girl, The National
  99. Gnossienne No. 1, Erik Satie
  100. Sad Songs and Waltzes, Willie Nelson
  101. Wild Indifference, Joan Shelley
  102. Lonely Weekends, Charlie Rich
  103. A Woman Left Lonely, Janis Joplin
  104. Better Days, Graham Nash

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8 Steps to Get Back Into Dating After a Breakup https://www.zoosk.com/date-mix/relationship-advice/moving-on/8-steps-to-get-back-into-dating-after-a-breakup/ Thu, 10 Aug 2017 08:00:47 +0000 https://www.zoosk.com/date-mix/?p=14910 A few things to think about before diving into your next relationship.

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The emotional pain of a breakup can be deep and powerful, especially if the breakup involved a betrayal or an especially painful end. Because of this, the best way to handle a breakup and move forward is different for everyone. For some, jumping back into another romantic relationship is a way for them to cope. For others, dating right away isn’t the best idea. The time between a breakup and dating again is the perfect time to focus on yourself, reflect on what went wrong, and set yourself up for better relationships in the future.

To prepare yourself to start dating after a breakup, here are eight steps to follow that will set you up for more successful relationships in the future:

Step 1: Recognize your emotions.
After a breakup, your emotions can become a life-altering mess. But you can’t move forward and start dating again without processing them. Take time to work through the shock, sadness, anger, or even hate (yes, it’s ok to admit that you feel hate) with your family, friends, or even a therapist.

“In order to heal from betrayal and keep it from happening in the future, you have to keep your emotions in check. If you obsess, you become stuck in the past. But if you can think logically and understand the need to move forward, you can master your emotions,” says clinical psychologist and relationship expert, Dr. Carmen Harra.

Step 2: Reflect on what happened. 
Taking time to examine your role in choosing incorrect partners and identifying what went wrong can help you prepare for a future healthy relationship, says David Essel, author of Positive Thinking Will Never Change Your Life But This Book Will. Sometimes, you may not be able to identify exactly what it is that caused a relationship to end, or why it is you’re attracted to the people you are. However, taking the time to think about it and explore your confusions can be a step forward in itself.

“This is also a healthy time to rid your mind of negative thoughts like believing men are all dogs or women are all self-centered,” adds Essel.

Step 3: Get comfortable with yourself again.
Nobody is going to fulfill your need to have a better half if you don’t fulfill yourself, first.

“Being single affords the opportunity to get comfortable with yourself, and when you’re happy on your own, that eventual special person who enters your life will simply be the icing on the cake,” says Essel.

Step 4: Envision a future free of betrayal.
Visualization is one of the key elements in getting what you want. Don’t be afraid to dream about your perfect date or the person you want to be with. This will also help you better identify people who aren’t who or what you want when you see them, or from letting other betrayers back into your life.

“What you fear most, you most attract, and if you quiet your fears, you can control what you draw in,” says Harra.

Step 5: Take a leap of faith.
You may be reluctant, or even scared, to get back into another relationship again, but taking a chance on love is crucial if you want to move on. Putting your hopes in others again will show you that there are goodhearted people out there.

“You might find it hard to trust anyone,” says Harra, “but slowly and surely you’ll redevelop a sense of confidence in the good will of others. All you have to do is be willing to do so.”

Step 6: Forgive yourself.
Unresolved guilt can cause anger and resentment in ourselves and toward others. In the end, this leads to more failed relationships.

“The first person you may look to blame in your failed relationship is yourself, but you should really be the first person you trust. Remember that you deserve to be treated with respect,” says Harra.

Step 7: Reinvent your dating-self.
By now, you’ve had enough time to reflect and have a better idea of what you want and what you deserve in a relationship. Whether it’s in an online dating profile or meeting people in real life, don’t be afraid to write or verbalize what it is you’re looking for. Mix up the way you meet people and do things differently than you did before. For example, if you met your last three exes at bars or clubs, this time have friends set you up or look for potential dates at the gym, church, or class.

Step 8: Choose your dates wisely.
Don’t put up with people who you don’t feel comfortable around, rush you into anything, or you simply aren’t into. You’ve already dealt with one breakup; you don’t need to worry about another. If you feel a new date is not trustworthy or just not doing it for you, get rid of them.

“Be selective about the people you bring into your life for your own well-being. Choosing to cling to people who don’t inspire faith will only lead you to distrust everyone as a whole. Walk away from those you know are not right for you,” says Harra.

Dating after a breakup isn’t easy. In many ways, you feel unsure and you may even still be hurting. People talk about moving on from a relationship, like it’s something you can let go of and leave in the past, when often our past moves with us. Getting over someone doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt or that you forget what happened, it means you face the pain and learn from it. You move forward and move towards something better.

 

 

The post 8 Steps to Get Back Into Dating After a Breakup appeared first on The Date Mix.

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