It\u2019s a given that physical attraction matters while finding a romantic partner. And while online dating, it can often seem like the most important thing\u2014if not the only thing\u2014that matters to people who are deciding whether to click yes or swipe right on someone they may be interested in. If you\u2019re online dating while overweight, the fact that your first impression is primarily based on looks can dramatically change your experience.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
To get a better idea of what it\u2019s really like to online date while overweight, I talked to a variety of daters and was surprised by the diversity of experiences and opinions. How did they make online dating work for them? There were a few key takeaways that shaped their experiences and how they approached meeting someone online:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Learning to Address the Realities<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Many of those who are considered overweight go online knowing that there are some people who have already decided not to be with them, even before seeing a single picture or having a single conversation. But they aren\u2019t just dealing with the reality of people rejecting them because of their weight, they\u2019re also handling interactions with those who pursue them because of it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIf you are an overweight person doing online dating, you have to have a pretty good self-esteem to survive it,\u201d said Jessie, an online dater. \u201cEven for a good-looking person, the process of having people analyze whether or not they want to date you based almost strictly on a handful of pictures and a few words is intimidating. For an overweight person, you go into it knowing that your choices are going to be limited and that you are probably going to experience a good bit of rejection.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Many of the men and women spoke of getting less attention than others do. Some also received insulting messages or overly sexual come-ons centered solely on their weight.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThe vast majority utterly ignore you and the rest see you as a fetish object,\u201d said one online dater, Julia, about her experience.<\/p>\n\n\n\n However, despite the drawbacks and difficulties, a few daters felt hopeful that their dating lives would change as the pounds came off. And many found success\u2014and loving partners\u2014staying exactly as they were, weight and all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Picking the Right Photos<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n We all want to look our best while trying to attract our potential dates and mates. When it comes to picking photos, though, those who are overweight have a split in philosophies regarding how much of themselves to show.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI get more matches by putting up pictures that somewhat downplay my overweightness, while still not giving the impression that I\u2019m thin,\u201d said one dater, Shawna.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI used flattering selfies, usually with an Instagram filter on it,\u201d said another dater, Melanie. \u201cI had one with my dog because she\u2019s important to me. And then one full body shot, but it was from the renaissance fair and I was wearing a bodice, so I looked smaller than I am. I sort of wanted to give them an idea of my size without trying to instantly put them off. And if the pictures got their attention, my personality could win them over.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n But others, like Rachel, emphasized the importance of being forthcoming from the outset.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIt\u2019s been beaten into our heads that people don\u2019t want to date fat people. They will hide their weight with clever angles, with their cleavage up or with face-only shots, and by using fuzzy euphemisms like \u2018curvy,\u2019 \u201d Rachel said. \u201cI found the most success when I was the most honest about it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI used multiple full-length, recent body shots,\u201d she went on. \u201cI probably got fewer messages than the average woman, but that was OK because the messages I got were usually of quality. There was no \u2018Does he like fat chicks?\u2019 worry in my head. I was confident he knew what I looked like\u2014and that he chose to message me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n One dater Kevin mentioned that he looked different in his photos since he lost 100 pounds over the course of a year. But it wasn\u2019t just the obvious weight loss that made a difference in how he looked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cMy self-confidence increased exponentially. I was happy to have photos taken of myself and share them on dating sites,\u201d he said. \u201cThe photos I\u2019d use would be of me doing more activities. As opposed to just a cropped face picture or sneaky angles to hide my weight, my new photos would include me, my full body visible, and I\u2019d be genuinely smiling. The traffic to my profile increased. Women were more willing to meet up with me, and I turned a handful of them into decent relationships.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Navigating Early Conversations <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Online dating is more than window shopping. As many pretty faces as there are, ultimately the point is to talk to someone else and find out if you want to meet them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Melanie made sure her conversations mentioned her weight at some point so that it was out in the open early.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI\u2019m not one to beat around the bush about that kind of thing,\u201d she explained. \u201cNo sense in false advertising. If you don\u2019t want to meet me because I\u2019m fat, that\u2019s your problem. Plenty of guys don\u2019t care. Especially ones who just want a hook-up.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n But there are plenty of men who message women specifically because they are overweight.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThere are men who will contact me with the sole pickup line of \u2018I like big women\u2019 or some variation,\u201d said Laurie. \u201cNo real introduction. No real attempt at connection. No presentation of any other value they might add to my life. It\u2019s as if merely being sexually attracted to a body like mine should be enough to sweep me off my feet!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jessie said comments like those can be taken two ways and that how she interprets them depends on what\u2019s said, and how it\u2019s said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOn the one hand, you know up front that talking to that person is not a waste of time,\u201d she said. \u201cOn the other hand, mentioning that they like big women nods a little toward the idea that they may be looking for something purely sexual.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Similar to what all woman face while online dating, some men don\u2019t take rejection well and decide to lash out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIt happened almost every time I rejected a man,\u201d Rachel said. \u201cThey\u2019d say: \u2018You’re fat anyway, I didn’t want you,\u2019 or \u2018You should be grateful anyone even wants to talk to your fat ass.\u2019 I expected that and blew it off.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhen I\u2019ve met someone and can tell we\u2019re not a conversational fit and tell them \u2018Thanks, but no thanks,\u2019 they seem shocked,\u201d explained another dater, Laurie. \u201cI think the implication is maybe a fat person shouldn\u2019t be so picky and shouldn\u2019t have high standards of our own.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Finding Someone Who Values You<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Despite the ups and downs of dating, there\u2019s still good people out there genuinely interested in connecting. That rings true for most of us who have gone through frustrating periods while online dating, only to discover good connections, have good dates, and find good candidates for both hook-ups and relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYou can meet your soul mate online,\u201d Melanie, who met her partner in 2014, said. \u201cWhen I met mine, my first thought was he was so out of my league because he is so fit and tall and just so very handsome. I never thought I would be with someone I thought was a 10. I always thought I would have to date someone physical flawed because I myself am \u2018flawed.\u2019 I have learned to love myself and accept my body.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWe\u2019ve now been married five years, and he\u2019s completely supporting my weight loss efforts and eating the healthy dinners I\u2019m making,\u201d Penny, who met her husband in 2007, said. \u201cFor everyone struggling, please keep trying.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Real online daters chime in on what it’s like to look for love when most of the world sees you as overweight. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":91,"featured_media":13098,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[888],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-13097","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-online-dating"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n