My parents have always been pretty great about letting me follow my dream. They were super supportive when I wanted to pursue art as a career, and even more so when I decided that after enough college debt to last well into my thirties, I wanted to go into a career outside of art. They were even supportive (albeit, a little heartbroken) when I decided to move to San Francisco to do so. The years ticked on, and they continued to listen to my worries and complaints and celebrate my victories with little to no outward anguish about my life\u2019s trajectory. And then a few things happened. 1) I broke up with my boyfriend of five years. The one they thought was a sure bet. The one they considered the answer, and whom they thought would eventually deliver all the things they hoped for me. 2) I got a job I love. Eighteen hundred miles away from where they were hoping I\u2019d settle down, conveniently within a three mile radius of the house I grew up in. And 3) I did the worst thing an unwed, independent, childless woman could do. I turned thirty.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It was at this point that I noticed their advice had become a little more pointed, a little more exasperated, and had a very clear end goal that, while it *is* a goal of mine, seems to be infuriatingly simple in their minds, and why am I not just doing it?!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Have a baby.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But having a baby means having a relationship (at least they hope) and so they\u2019ve set about offering a number of solutions to get the ball rolling. Here are eight pieces of dating advice from my baby-crazy parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
1. Move home.<\/strong> 2. Get that cute haircut you had in 2008.<\/strong> I don\u2019t know if they sense that I rock a greasy top-knot most days (or that when I do manage to wash my hair, everyone in the office gathers around to discuss) but what I do with my hair seems to be a major concern, and they seem to think rocking the ill-advised mom cut I had in the late aughts will bring me that much closer to mom-dom.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 3. Quit your job.<\/strong> 4. Make friends with that exchange student.<\/strong> 5. Take out your eyebrow piercing.<\/strong> 6. Whatever you do, don\u2019t buy two wedding dresses.<\/strong> 7. Get a skin cancer check from my cute doctor.<\/strong> 8. Watch these Josh Groban videos.<\/strong> While my parents Midwestern quirkiness is sometimes endearing and sometimes infuriating, there are a few valuable relationship lessons I have learned from them, not so much during Sunday phone calls, but by their example. Devotion, selfless love, reliability, and loyalty to name a few. All in all, I\u2019m happy to endure their panic-driven dating advice because in the end, they know that a settled, committed relationship and a family will make me happy, and they want me to have it. With Josh Groban.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" “You should get a skin-cancer check from my cute doctor.” <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":90,"featured_media":14950,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[982],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-14949","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-dating-tips"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n
\nLet it be known: according to my parents, every bad thing that has ever happened to me happened because I moved away from home. So, naturally, the first step to any solution is to move back. This piece of advice comes in many iterations: Just move home and save some money, just move home and get away from those Californian weirdos, just move home so you can play bingo on Tuesdays with us. What better way to meet men than to hang out at Bingo with your parents? My parents have the notion that when I\u2019m in California I engage in zero human interaction and just sit on Facebook all day discussing the latest paparazzi photos of Vince Vaughn. I don\u2019t know where they got this idea. (Do not check my Facebook feed.) But they\u2019re convinced that a little quality time with two humans who have been attached to each other for more than 25 years is just the thing I need to learn some socialization skills.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nNothing sends a boy into a tizzy like your mom\u2019s favorite haircut. It was a great little above-the-shoulder bob, and you look so fresh with it out of your face like that. Also stop dying your hair because people pay hundreds of dollars to get your natural color. C\u2019mon, everyone likes it. Dad loves it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nAn important addendum to the \u2018Just Move Home\u2019 argument, quitting your job frees up your time to consider how you could never afford to live in San Francisco (being jobless and all), and you know what would lighten the burden? Two incomes. A roommate. A baby (somehow). My parents are not at all opposed to the idea of me as a working mother. My mom was a working mother. But for some reason, any time I hit a pothole in my career, the phrase \u201cJust quit\u201d is out of their mouths faster than any actual useful advice. I think in their minds, turning away from my career means turning toward something else. And that something else is babies.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nForget that he\u2019ll be gone in a number of months, or that if you two were to fall in love, there\u2019s the danger of him sweeping you halfway across the world, JUST INTERACT WITH A BOY. This piece of dating advice came from my dad when I was in high school, and is pretty indicative of just how little my dad cares about vetting my boyfriends. He elbowed me that day in church without knowing the exchange student\u2019s name, where he came from, or whom he was staying with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nWhy would you do such a thing? You have such a beautiful face, and now you\u2019re going and expressing yourself with it. Keep this up and you\u2019ll find someone who genuinely likes you for your tastes and interests instead of settling down with someone who likes you for our tastes and interests. I did, eventually, take out the eyebrow piercing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nWho do you think you are, a Kardashian? Two dresses. Come on. What kind of person needs a costume change in the middle of their wedding? Do you think the husband realized how high maintenance she is before now? No one wants to marry a girl who needs TWO wedding dresses. Two. Come ON. Nothing in the world made my mom angrier than when my cousin had two wedding dresses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nHe\u2019s really cute. And young. Not, ya know, too young. Also, don\u2019t eat too much before you go, because I got a little queasy last time, and you don\u2019t want to throw up on the cute doctor. Nothing like your own mother encouraging you to fake a skin cancer scare so you can maybe throw up on a cute guy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nHe\u2019s so cute and funny, and *sigh* have you heard him sing Ave Maria? He would be a good answer, wouldn\u2019t he? You should marry Josh Groban. Your aunt has a neighbor whose kid kind of looks like Josh Groban, maybe you can find him on Facebook. What is it with moms and Josh Groban? Apparently even Josh Groban look-alikes carry all the same mother-approved Josh Groban traits and so if you go for any one of them, you\u2019re set.<\/p>\n\n\n\n