{"id":15590,"date":"2017-11-18T01:00:54","date_gmt":"2017-11-18T09:00:54","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/datemixstaging.wpengine.com\/?p=15590"},"modified":"2021-05-31T13:03:22","modified_gmt":"2021-05-31T20:03:22","slug":"online-dating-sober-recovery","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/dating-advice\/online-dating-sober-recovery\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Online Date While Sober and in Recovery"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

If online dating gives you the hankering for a stiff drink, you\u2019re not alone. It\u2019s only normal to feel nervous. Who wouldn\u2019t feel nervous while advertising their mating potential on a virtual billboard that strangers will rate? (Make that a double scotch, please.)<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then there\u2019s the assumption that drinking and dating need one another. It seems like a given that any first date will consist of drinks at the bar, like an unspoken rule of etiquette that nobody breaks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sobriety and Online Dating: Common Worries in Recovery
\n<\/strong>This reality can be intimidating if you\u2019re among the 10 percent of adults in this country who say they\u2019re in recovery<\/a> from drug or alcohol addiction and for whom drinking is no longer a lifestyle. If you\u2019re in this demographic, you may genuinely wonder whether your sober self will ever date or have sex again. It may also be hard to imagine getting to know someone in a romantic and potentially intimate way without alcohol. Or you may have worries about the how and when of sharing that you\u2019re in recovery, especially when your online profile is a potential date\u2019s first impression of you. The stigma of addiction can be hard to kick.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Such questions are natural and normal to ask when you\u2019re in recovery. (My clients in substance abuse treatment voice many of the same concerns.) And they need to be answered on an individual basis: No single approach to sober online dating will work for everyone. You need to do what is right and comfortable for you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How to Navigate Online Dating When in Recovery
\n<\/strong>That said, here are some ideas and tips for how to navigate the online dating world with your recovery and sense of humor intact, starting with the personal profile you create:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Be honest.
\n<\/strong>In the spirit of 12-step recovery, which emphasizes the importance of self-honesty, aim for truthfulness in how you present yourself. If a questionnaire asks you how much you drink, don\u2019t let fear about what others might think keep you from checking the \u201cNever\u201d box. If someone has an issue with your not drinking, then they clearly aren\u2019t the right person for you\u2014and that\u2019s okay. Similarly, you\u2019ll need to be honest about the fact that you\u2019re in recovery\u2014 although that ideally is best left for later and in person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Describe what you like to do for fun.<\/strong>
\nBeing sober doesn\u2019t equate with being a bore. There are many ways to enjoy oneself that don\u2019t involve alcohol. In fact, when you quit drinking you probably gained some new hobbies, interests, and pursuits in the process. Emphasize what you enjoy doing. Do you like hiking in the outdoors? Cooking? Watching old Seinfeld<\/em> episodes? Make a list of the things that fill your free time\u2014and that you could see yourself sharing with someone else.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Plan a low-key first date that\u2019s not at the bar.
\n<\/strong>The goal is getting acquainted and gauging the chemistry. You can do that in a low-key and informal way that doesn\u2019t involve alcohol: a walk in the park or meet-up at a coffee shop, for example. Or, maybe you first connected over a shared interest in bicycling, in which case you might go for a bike ride.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Don\u2019t wait too long to share that you\u2019re in recovery.
\n<\/strong>If your first date turns into a couple more and you have an interest in a long-term relationship, now may be a good time to share that you\u2019re in recovery. This vulnerability can be scary, but it also can build deeper love, connection, and intimacy. How the other person responds to your self-disclosure will be a great source of insight into your relationship potential.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Plan in advance how you\u2019ll talk about your recovery, and as you plan, aim for self-disclosure that\u2019s \u201cshort and sweet.\u201d
\n<\/strong>If a new dating relationship has legs, there will be plenty of time in the future for all of the more gruesome details. Remember that by the second or third date, you\u2019re still getting to know the other person (as they are you). Try to stick to the essentials and the positive lessons you\u2019ve learned in recovery. If you\u2019re feeling nervous about disclosing your recovery, it\u2019s okay to let the other person know that, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Prepare yourself for rejection.
\n<\/strong>Understand that rejection is part of the online dating process, starting with the person whose profile you ping who doesn\u2019t respond. If someone is going to reject you because of the fact that you don\u2019t drink and are in recovery, it\u2019s less painful to know that earlier on. (It\u2019s also clear they\u2019re not worth your<\/em> time!) So try to take rejection in stride rather than personally, and as a character-building lesson rather than an opportunity to punish yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Be yourself.
\n<\/strong>This can be easier said than done, but it\u2019s freeing to remember that in sobriety you are closer to your true self than you ever were when high, drunk or in pursuit of drugs or alcohol. In addition to honesty about your recovery and the things you like to do for fun, \u201cbeing yourself\u201d involves connecting with what you\u2019re feeling so that you can express these emotions when it’s necessary or appropriate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Consider sober online dating sites.
\n<\/strong>For some people, the easiest way to traverse the world of sober online dating may be to register with a site that is explicitly for people in recovery. If you go this route, the biggest challenge may be deciding which site(s) to use, based on a Google search of \u201csober dating sites\u201d that turns up numerous options.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

With these tips in hand, you can rest assured that there are other solutions to the dilemma of sober online dating besides being chaste, lonely and\/or single. Finding cyber romance is<\/em> possible when you\u2019re sober: it may even lead to a match made in heaven.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anna Ciulla is the Clinical Director at <\/em>Beach House Center for Recovery<\/a>, where she is responsible for designing, implementing and supervising the delivery of the latest evidence-based therapies for treating substance use disorders. Anna has a passion for helping clients with substance use and co-occurring disorders achieve successful long-term recovery. <\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

There’s an assumption that drinking and dating go together, that’s simply untrue.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":133,"featured_media":15591,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[884],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-15590","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-dating-advice"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nHow to Online Date While Sober and in Recovery<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Here are some ideas and tips for how to navigate the online dating world with your recovery and sense of humor intact, starting with your profile.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/dating-advice\/online-dating-sober-recovery\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" 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