Everyone heads into a new relationship with baggage in some form or another; it\u2019s unavoidable. Maybe you\u2019ve been cheated on, or ghosted, or a messy break up has left you with your walls up. Or maybe it\u2019s just the fact that you haven\u2019t met the one for you yet, and it’s left you a little jaded. So how do you let your guard down if you’ve been hurt before?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The conundrum here is that no one truly falls in love without letting someone in, which can be hard if you\u2019ve got scar tissue left over from relationships past. But if you’re with someone new, and are looking for ways to open up again there are things you can do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
To let your guard down, keep these three things in mind and practice this good, old-fashioned practice:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
1. Communicate<\/strong> If the guy you were last with cheated on you, and so did the guy before that, the likelihood that you\u2019re afraid your new partner will cheat is probably pretty high. It\u2019s helpful for them to know that. Equipped with that information, they may be a little more forgiving if your usual one-text check-in balloons to six when they\u2019re with a close, platonic-but-adorable friend. If your last relationship fell apart because your girlfriend wasn\u2019t as nurturing as you needed her to be, your new partner may have a better understanding of why you tend to get clingy if they\u2019ve been busy or preoccupied.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Having these talks, no matter how awkward, are important. The insight they provide not only gives your partner a better understanding of you, it gives you a better understanding of your partner\u2019s behaviors that might be completely harmless with context, but may otherwise trigger some of your anxiety.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A simple, \u201cI\u2019ve been hurt before because of \u2018X\u2019, which is why I sometimes \u2018Y\u2019,\u201d can offer a lot of clarity and understanding to your partner, and begin some healing for you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 2. Ask for what you need.<\/strong> For example, if you’re nervous about getting too serious too fast, and you think knowing more about their dating history might put your mind at ease, ask questions. They may not want to divulge everything, but keeping your questions specific to your needs won\u2019t make them feel like you\u2019re prying. Instead of asking, \u201cWhat went wrong in your last relationship?\u201d asking, \u201cHow do you generally deal with break-ups?\u201d can open up a dialogue that may be helpful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you\u2019ve been cheated on, explaining to your new partner how much you value honesty and need it to feel secure gives them the opportunity to provide that added support proactively instead of retroactively, which can save a lot of anguish. If your partner is honest when it comes to the little things, you can begin to consider them trustworthy overall.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Vocalizing your needs and allowing your partner to provide them can help make your relationship feel like a safe space for you to start breaking down any walls you\u2019ve built up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 3. Be Fair<\/strong> If a past partner was distant toward the end of a relationship, that doesn\u2019t necessarily mean a current relationship is doomed just because he\u2019s not good at texting you back. Jumping to that conclusion could cause you to alienate someone who may love being in a relationship, but just prefers not to text while he\u2019s at work, for example. It\u2019s easier said than done, but approaching each new relationship as a blank slate, and referring to steps one and two when you start to feel uneasy saves your partner from being punished for someone else\u2019s sins, and saves you from potentially sabotaging something that could be great.<\/p>\n\n\n\n These things can be incredibly challenging if you\u2019ve had a tough time in the past, but as with all things, practice makes perfect. The more you communicate your feelings, ask for what you need, and realize that the road goes both ways, the healthier and safer your relationship will feel. Eventually the communication will feel like second nature, and those walls you’ve built up will begin to fall down without you even realizing it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Tips to approach new relationships when you still feel pain from the past. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":90,"featured_media":16742,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[884,973,898],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-16741","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-dating-advice","category-moving-on","category-relationship-problems"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n
\nAh, that wonderful, often wine-tipsy, date a few months into a fledgling relationship where you both really dive into your exes and the damage they did\u2026 It\u2019s one of the most cringy but therapeutic moments in a relationship, because letting someone know where you\u2019ve been provides huge insight into your behaviors, tendencies, and yes, fears.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nYou know what you\u2019ve been through better than anyone, so if you\u2019re feeling anxious about letting your guard down, ask yourself what would make it easier, and then ask your partner to make that change.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\nIt\u2019s important to keep in mind that what has happened in the past does not in any way dictate what will happen in the future. If one person hurt you, it’s easy to feel like they all will, but everyone comes into a relationship with different experiences, and judging someone new or jumping to conclusions based on the behavior or circumstances of a past relationship only causes damage that may never have surfaced on its own.<\/p>\n\n\n\n