{"id":17188,"date":"2018-08-12T01:00:19","date_gmt":"2018-08-12T08:00:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/datemixstaging.wpengine.com\/?p=17188"},"modified":"2021-05-31T11:12:22","modified_gmt":"2021-05-31T18:12:22","slug":"fix-someone-in-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/relationship-advice\/fix-someone-in-relationship\/","title":{"rendered":"What Does It Really Mean to Fix Someone in a Relationship?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Everyone likes a fun romantic comedy. Part of the stories\u2019 strengths are that they follow a familiar pattern\u2014there\u2019s the first moment of attraction, a little sexy flirting, the promise of something more. Eventually,  there\u2019s some kind of problem between the couple\u2014a plot device that drives the story. But in the end, they realize they were meant for each other, get together, and live happily ever after.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s a sweet fantasy\u2014the kind romance and relationship addicts are easily addicted to. But we all know fantasies aren\u2019t real. The definitions of <\/span>fantasy<\/span><\/i> in the Merriam-Webster dictionary is, \u201cthe power or process of creating especially unrealistic or improbable mental images in response to psychological need.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Those words, \u201cunrealistic or improbable\u201d warn us that when we buy into a fantasy of Prince (or Princess) Charming sweeping us off our feet, it\u2019s inevitable that we\u2019re going to be let down.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

But addicts don\u2019t let go of things, and so relationship junkies don\u2019t let go of that fantasy perfect partner. Of course, since no one is perfect, their partner will never measure up. So they try their hardest to change their partners, to make them fulfill the happily ever after fantasy they\u2019ve imagined.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Whenever we begin to focus on fixing someone else, an alarm should go off. Because what that really means is that there\u2019s something inside of us that needs to be fixed. Focusing on changing another person is just a way to avoid focusing on ourselves and our issues. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Trying to change someone is just an attempt to control them. But the truth is, you\u2019re powerless to change anyone but yourself, and you are kidding yourself if you think you can. Only your partner can change themselves, and only if they really want to change.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you find yourself making excuses for your partner, you deny what is real in them. You lose the ability to accurately assess who you\u2019re picking, and that makes you more vulnerable to abuse, both emotionally and physically. And if you keep making it easy for your partner to exploit you by living in that fantasy world, by explaining away their faults and bad behavior, they\u2019ve got no reason to change.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Don\u2019t waste your time believing, \u201cIf he loves me he will… .\u201d or \u201cIf I\u2019m just more patient she will…\u201d These are the things that happen in romance novels, but they don\u2019t actually happen in real life. How often have you told yourself that if\/when you get married to the person you\u2019re dating, things will change? Honestly think about it\u2014have you ever really seen someone change just because they walked down the aisle? Getting a person to commit to a relationship, marriage, having kids, changing jobs, or even moving to a new town won\u2019t change who they are at their core. If they weren\u2019t working on their issues before, they won\u2019t be working on them after you get married.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

We need to accept our partners where they are, for who they are\u2014or leave them. There are some issues that are deal breakers and others you can accept. Figure out what those are for you, and stand firm. If you decide you can\u2019t accept something, move on, or else you\u2019ll live in a constant state of resentment and anger.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you cling to another person out of fear of abandonment and deep-seated feelings of emptiness, you attract the sort of person who takes rather than gives. You need to teach yourself that you can stop settling for less, and stop expecting another person to change and become your fantasy lover. Declare right now that you deserve the very best, not a fixer-upper relationship. Promise yourself that you\u2019ll begin to look honestly at your partner, today, right now. You deserve everything in a partner that you desire. If you\u2019re not getting it, move on.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sherry Gaba, LCSW is a Certified Transformation and Recovery Coach and the leading Psychotherapist on VH1\u2019s Celebrity Rehab and Sex Addiction. She helps singles navigate the dating process to find the love of their lives. <\/span><\/i>Take her quiz<\/span><\/i><\/a> to find out if you\u2019re a love addict or sign up for a <\/span><\/i>30-minute strategy session.<\/span><\/i><\/a> She is also the author of <\/span><\/i>\u201cThe Marriage and Relationship Junkie:Kicking your Obsession\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/a>. Sherry maintains a private practice in Westlake Village, and is a sought after online dating and relationship coach. For more information visit <\/span><\/i>www.sherrygaba.com<\/span><\/i><\/a>.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The difference between looking for a fantasy partner vs. someone you can grow with.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":164,"featured_media":17189,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[891],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-17188","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationship-advice"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nWhat Does It Really Mean to Fix Someone in a Relationship?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Whenever we begin to focus on fixing someone else, an alarm should go off. 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