I\u2019ve never been good at letting go. In fact, I\u2019m so terrible at it that, almost ten years ago, I had it tattooed in Sanskrit on my right forearm as a reminder to myself that, yes, it\u2019s okay to \u201clet go.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I don\u2019t like to let go of a number of things: arguments, long-held plans, the remote control. But, the hardest thing for me to let go of is relationships. I will squeeze every last ounce of my soul into those things. I will hold onto them white-knuckled and screaming (on the inside because I don\u2019t like to make a scene) even after they\u2019ve dropped me like yesterday\u2019s news. I\u2019ll grab onto any last thread of a text, a hope, a maybe. Relationships are the expired box of crackers in my pantry, the high school uniform still hanging in my closet. I know I should throw them out, but what\u2019s the harm if they stay awhile? Maybe they\u2019ll come back in fashion, or make a nice crumb topping on a new dessert. They could still be useful. They could still mean something to me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Because that\u2019s the thing. Relationships, no matter how short or long-term, always mean something to me. I\u2019m always sad when one doesn\u2019t work out. Of course some relationships are easier to say goodbye to than others, especially if no real feelings of depth were exchanged. I easily said adios to the guy who had more of a connection to his Bullet Coffee than me (I could never be \u201cbutter\u201d than that).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Because when I do love, I love hard. Romantic connections are like spiritual contracts to me; I am 100 percent in. Challenge accepted. Let\u2019s do this. I will accept this connection, even if the person doesn\u2019t feel like a good fit. Even if if the loving moments are fleeting. Even if the person will not offer me his heart as openly as I offer mine. Because I am in love, and that\u2019s what I do when I\u2019m in love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Letting go of love feels like giving up and giving in. It feels less like surrender and more like rendering the whole situation as meaningless. It feels like the feelings shared, the time spent together, the hopes and the dreams of building a life together, were never really real. It feels like there\u2019s something wrong with me. It feels like I didn\u2019t do enough. That I wasn\u2019t enough. It feels like failure. And I hate losing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But how did holding on make things better? This is a question I asked myself not too long ago, tear-stained, depressed, and lonely. Why was I holding onto something that was making me miserable? Why was I holding onto someone who didn\u2019t love me the way I loved him? What did that say about myself? Was this really what I wanted?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Holding on didn\u2019t make me stronger. It made me weaker. It weakened my spirit, and robbed me of my sense of worth. It put loving this person above loving myself. And, ultimately, it made me feel like crap. I didn\u2019t want to feel like crap anymore. And it was in that moment I decided to let go.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I chose to let go because I knew it was finally time to choose myself. I didn\u2019t want to be chained to a love that only weighed me down and left me confused because guess what? That\u2019s not how love is supposed to feel. Love is supposed to feel free. It feels expansive and open; it feels safe and secure. It feels comfortable and easy. It feels like home.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And I was definitely not in Kansas anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Letting go of love starts with a willingness to do so. It\u2019s not easy, but as author Elizabeth Gilbert one said, \u201cI\u2019ve never seen any life transformation that didn’t begin with the person in question finally getting sick of their own bullshit.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Letting go means open palms replace clenched fists. It means accepting what is instead of what you thought things ought to be. It means change, and for me, that meant changing my concept of letting go.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Instead of thinking a defunct relationship was a waste of time, I chose to see our time together as a gift. Instead of thinking I wasted my love on someone who didn\u2019t appreciate me, I gave gratitude for my big heart and my capacity to love. I was, am, thankful to love as deeply as I do. Instead of seeing as someone who didn\u2019t love me the way I needed to be loved, I chose to see him as someone who expressed the best way he could. I chose to see the heartache and disappointment as lessons and blessings that will help prepare me for my next relationship. The truth is, we might always love the person we let go\u2014and that\u2019s okay. We can still love someone who doesn\u2019t belong in our lives. (Just don\u2019t text them!)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Because here\u2019s the thing about love: it never goes away. We are love. There is never a lack of love. There is an abundance of love around us that is waiting for us. We just need to believe that it is. Letting go involves a great deal of trust: in ourselves, in other people, and that life is, inherently, good. Trusting in life is difficult, especially after disappointment, but when we see that everyday is a gift, a moment to push us towards us something bigger and better than we could ever imagine, than letting go becomes easier. By choosing to trust, we choose to accept a love that doesn\u2019t ask us to hold on but instead asks us to \u201cjust be.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
No wonder I have \u2018trust\u2019 tattooed on my other forearm.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Letting go involves a great deal of trust: in ourselves, in other people, and that life is, inherently, good. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":61,"featured_media":17472,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[983,973],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-17469","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-breaking-up","category-moving-on"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n