{"id":17737,"date":"2018-11-16T01:00:55","date_gmt":"2018-11-16T09:00:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/datemixstaging.wpengine.com\/?p=17737"},"modified":"2021-05-31T10:44:45","modified_gmt":"2021-05-31T17:44:45","slug":"argument-tactics","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/relationship-advice\/argument-tactics\/","title":{"rendered":"Stonewalling, Defensiveness, & More: Argument Tactics That Ruin Relationships"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

The skills we need for relationships aren\u2019t taught in school like math or English, and they\u2019re not always intuitive. It\u2019s easy to be nice to our partners when things are going well, but less so when there\u2019s conflict. When something\u2019s wrong, we often default to behaviors that shield us from further negative interactions. And while these tactics, may seem like the best course of action in the moment, it can damage a relationship over time. And left unhandled, they can bring about the end a relationship.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

But like math or English, relationship skills can be learned. And even behaviors that have become instinctual can be overcome if you\u2019re aware of them. To help you get a better understanding of how negative ways of  dealing with conflict that can ruin a relationship, here\u2019s a breakdown of some of the most common tactics that can be harmful.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Stonewalling
\n<\/b>Stonewalling and the next three communication breakdowns listed here are what Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute refers to as the <\/span>Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse for relationships<\/span><\/a>. Stonewalling is shutting down during an uncomfortable conversation or fight, so that your partner will eventually tire out and leave you alone. It\u2019s bad because your partner is unable to resolve the issue. As a result, they  feel unheard and won\u2019t understand how you feel about the situation.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The way to beat this is simple\u2014talk. If you do need some time to cool off, tell your partner you need 10 to 20 minutes. But when the allotted time is up it\u2019s up to you to come back to your partner and finish the conversation. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Criticism
\n<\/b>Everybody\u2019s a critic, and nobody likes being criticized. So don\u2019t do it. That\u2019s not to say you can\u2019t confront your partner about specific things, but don\u2019t ascribe judgements about their character to the behavior they\u2019re exhibiting. The difference between a complaint and criticism is that a complaint addresses a specific issue, criticism admonishes whom they are as a person. It\u2019s a subtle but important distinction to make. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Instead, when you\u2019re upset by your partner address the specific action. Explain why that issue made you upset without making it a character flaw. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Contempt
\n<\/b>Contempt is when we respond to our partners with malice. It takes the form of mocking or pointed sarcasm, often with plausible deniability. It\u2019s aim is to make your partner feel small to gain a power advantage in the relationship. It often arises when you have deep-seated negative feelings about your partner or the relationship. Needless to say this behavior is a terrible way to communicate and spells disaster for your relationship if not handled quickly.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The best way to stop being contemptuous is to acknowledge your partner for their good qualities. Begin to nurture intimacy again. Remember there are reasons that you once enjoyed (and can enjoy again) being together. Verbalize your feelings and needs to your partner. It\u2019s important to speak on these issues. Your contempt has likely already done damage and will have to be mended by open loving communication.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Defensiveness
\n<\/b>Defensiveness is about more than having a disagreement with your partner\u2019s complaints\u2014it\u2019s a refusal to consider the validity of their claims. Defensiveness takes personal fault and redirects it onto the partner, which results in a communication stalemate.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

To fix this tactic, let your guard down and consider what your partner has to say. This doesn\u2019t mean that every complaint levied is your fault, but own up and apologize when it\u2019s due. We all make mistakes, and it doesn\u2019t have to be embarrassing to admit to them. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Withholding Sex
\n<\/b>This is pretty common when there\u2019s a sustained residual anger or a lack of intimacy in the relationship. Withholding sex is used as a tactic to to communicate to your partner that they upset you, often without the accompanying explanation of what they did to upset you.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The way to get past this is to, well, have sex, but it can be difficult if the relationship wounds are still raw. Start with small touches. Then incorporate kissing and embraces into your routine when you see your partner. This doesn\u2019t need to occur all at one time. Take the time to get comfortable. Also, express to your partner the reason you were upset and felt the need to withhold sex. Work with an eye towards ironing things out. You\u2019ll be happy campers in no time.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Venting to Your Friends
\n<\/b>This one is a grey area, because there are times when you might need support from your friends. However, by and large, you want to avoid badmouthing your partner to your friends. Friends will always take your side and it could cause them to dislike your partner if they\u2019re constantly who you go to when you need to complain. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It may feel nice to use your friends as your therapists, but the person you need to talk to to solve your problem is your partner. Talk to your partner and look for a solution, but don\u2019t badmouth them to others during that process. It doesn\u2019t benefit anyone.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Being in a committed relationship isn\u2019t easy, but part of what makes it worthwhile is that it takes work. Nobody is asking you to be the perfect person in every fight and during every conflict, but it\u2019s important to try. Remember, the best way to solve a problem is to open up, not to shrink away. In any relationship, upsets are natural. Being a slave to your emotions and operating in default is a way to kill your relationship, not to live, so be open and be present.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Even if they’re instinctual, negative ways of \u00a0dealing with conflict that can ruin a relationship. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":162,"featured_media":17738,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[894,891,898],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-17737","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-healthy-relationships","category-relationship-advice","category-relationship-problems"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nArgument Tactics That Can Ruin a Relationship<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Negative ways of \u00a0dealing with conflict that can ruin a relationship, here\u2019s a breakdown of some of the most common tactics that can be harmful.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" 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