{"id":18333,"date":"2019-02-24T01:00:52","date_gmt":"2019-02-24T09:00:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/datemixstaging.wpengine.com\/?p=18333"},"modified":"2021-05-31T09:37:14","modified_gmt":"2021-05-31T16:37:14","slug":"what-to-say-to-a-friend-after-a-breakup","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/friends\/what-to-say-to-a-friend-after-a-breakup\/","title":{"rendered":"What to Say to a Friend After a Breakup (Besides Sorry)"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

On one hand, it makes sense that we say, \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u201d after our friends tell us they’ve broken up. <\/span>We\u2019re sorry that things didn\u2019t work out, we\u2019re sorry for the loss of that person, we\u2019re sorry because we know that breakups can be emotionally draining for both parties, and we\u2019re sorry because we know that \u201cgetting back out there\u201d is hard. (Not to mention a lot of work). <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

But on the other hand, doesn\u2019t saying, \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u201d sort of fall upon the preconceived notion that we\u2019re all supposed to be in a committed relationship at all times? That marriage (or something along those lines) is the ultimate goal for each of us?<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yes, there are a lot of losses that occur when we uncouple, but what about all the wins?<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

What about the re-discovering of the part of yourself that you lost in your relationship? The plethora of free time you\u2019ll now have all to yourself? The freedom from having to check in with someone on a Saturday night? The gift to be able to spend the holidays with your family every year for the unforeseeable future?<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

While there\u2019s nothing wrong with saying \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u201d when you discover that your friend just broke up, here are some suggestions for other go-to lines when you\u2019re confronted with the news of an unhappily ever after. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Congratulations!
\n<\/b>Saying congrats is essentially the antithesis of saying \u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d and to some it may sound a little insensitive or taboo\u2014but hear me out.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Breaking up can be a tough decision to make, even if deep down you know it\u2019s the best decision for you. When you\u2019re making a tough decision, don\u2019t you ever wish there was someone in your corner (or multiple people) assuring you that you\u2019ve made the right choice? <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

By hearing congrats in response to their breakup news, you sort of give your friend that affirmative validation\u2014without delving into the less helpful (and sometimes hurtful) behavior of saying things like, \u201cI always hated him,\u201d or, \u201cShe was a selfish loser anyway.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of course, if you find that saying congratulations all by itself is a bit too aggressive, you can always preface it the way an internet friend of mine did when I told him I had ended my last relationship.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

He said, \u201cCongratulations. Because if you were happy with the situation, you wouldn\u2019t have ended it.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

That was exactly what I needed to hear. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. I\u2019m Proud of You.
\n<\/b>On its own, \u201cI\u2019m proud of you\u201d may sound a little strange or Drake-like. After all, they\u2019re ending a relationship, not graduating college\u2014but it\u2019s what you say after \u201cI\u2019m proud of you\u201d that will make the difference.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

If your friend just got dumped by the girl he was head over heels for, saying something like, \u201cI\u2019m proud of you for following your heart and not being afraid of love,\u201d may feel right. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

If your friend is in the process of leaving her overly-controlling and verbally-abusive partner, you could tell her that you\u2019re proud of her for being so strong. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

While there isn\u2019t ever really a right decision, it\u2019s always nice to hear that someone is proud of you for following your gut and doing what feels right at the time. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. How do you feel about it?
\n<\/b>The biggest issue with immediately saying, \u201cI\u2019m sorry,\u201d to your friend after hearing the news is that you\u2019re assigning feelings to them rather than actually asking how they feel. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of course, chances are that regardless of what transpired, there\u2019s definitely a twinge of sadness somewhere\u2014but that still doesn\u2019t make \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u201d the best gut-reaction. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

By asking your friend how they feel about it first, not only do you give your friend a chance to do some venting if they need to (and let\u2019s be honest, most of us will take any chance to vent post-breakup), but you also allow them to tell you how they\u2019re feeling so you can make a more educated guess at what to say next.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

4. Do you want to talk about what happened?
\n<\/b>As I mentioned above, lots of us want to vent after a break-up. We want to be affirmed that we made the right decision, we want to be assured that our ex-partner was being ridiculous, we want to see if anyone has better advice than what we\u2019ve been getting from everyone else. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

But, depending on the breakup, sometimes we don\u2019t want to talk about it. Sometimes we need a few days of pretending everything is fine before we can open the flood gates and really do some introspection on the relationship. Sometimes we\u2019re just worried that if we start talking about it, we\u2019ll start tearing up in the Starbucks we\u2019re currently at\u2014and we\u2019d prefer to cry in the comfort of our own home. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Immediately asking your friend if they want to talk about it helps to steer the conversation into the direction they want to go. Maybe they want a listening ear while they list their ex\u2019s transgressions, or maybe they just want to talk about last night\u2019s episode of \u201cThe Bachelorette\u201d and chat about men that they\u2019ll never have to encounter in real life.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

5. Are you doing okay? Do you need anything?
\n<\/b>When our friends disclose news of a failed relationship, many of us naturally dwell on our friend\u2019s now ex-partner and the relationship itself. We ask what happened, who initiated the breakup, if they\u2019re still in contact, etc. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

While it\u2019s human nature to try to figure out the whole story, chances are your friend has already rehashed the couple\u2019s final days (or months) to multiple friends and themselves.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Instead of focusing on what\u2019s in the past, it might be helpful as a friend to focus on what\u2019s in the future\u2014or more accurately, what your friend needs right now. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Asking your friend if you can help them at all during this difficult time\u2014even if that\u2019s just in the form of picking them up some chocolate chip cookies\u2014ends up meaning so much more than a trite \u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And besides, no amount of \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u2019s\u201d will heal your friends broken (or slightly bent) heart\u2014but chocolate chip cookies just might. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

At the end of the day, your friend is lucky to have you as part of their support system during this tough time, and it\u2019s okay if you don\u2019t always say the right thing. Sometimes more than anything else, your friend just wants company so that they don\u2019t feel so alone\u2014no words necessary.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Knowing how to be there for someone is tough, but there are a few things you can say to help. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":183,"featured_media":18362,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[983,998,994],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-18333","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-breaking-up","category-break-up","category-friends"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nWhat to Say to a Friend After a Breakup (Besides Sorry)<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"While there\u2019s nothing wrong with saying \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u201d when you discover that your friend just broke up, here are some suggestions to may help more.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" 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