{"id":18454,"date":"2019-03-06T01:00:23","date_gmt":"2019-03-06T09:00:23","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/datemixstaging.wpengine.com\/?p=18454"},"modified":"2021-05-31T09:34:10","modified_gmt":"2021-05-31T16:34:10","slug":"enthusiastic-consent","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/dating-advice\/enthusiastic-consent\/","title":{"rendered":"Enthusiastic Consent: What It Is and How to Obtain It"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

You know what consent is, right? Actually, you may not. In a <\/span>study<\/span><\/a> of 145 straight male college students, researchers found that participants made a variety of missteps when it came to identifying consent\u2014things like confusing consent with sexual desire (i.e., she\u2019s into me so therefore it means she wants to be sexual) and assuming a woman had consented to have sex merely because she\u2019d had sex with them before. And this was true even for men who considered themselves progressive and who wanted to respect and love women.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

What studies like this tell us isn\u2019t only that we need to better educate ourselves about consent but also that consent itself is confusing. Men aren\u2019t just failing consent\u2014consent is failing them, too. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The solution? Giving consent an upgrade. And here it is: enthusiastic consent. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The definition of enthusiastic consent is simple: if it\u2019s not a \u201cHell yes,\u201d it\u2019s a no. And the idea behind it is even simpler: if a woman is clearly enthusiastic to get physical with you, there will be no grey area about whether or not she\u2019s given consent. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now that you know what enthusiastic consent is, you\u2019re probably wondering how to get it. Like, practically speaking, do you ask for consent before you kiss her? What if she\u2019s excited at first but then pulls away? And how do you ask if she\u2019s into it while still keeping things sexy? Here\u2019s how.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ask in a sexy voice.
\n<\/b>When asking if your partner likes something or if you can kiss them, don\u2019t ask it like you\u2019d ask your mom to borrow the Volvo. Like, \u201cCan I kiss you please?\u201d or \u201cHey, um, I was just wondering if, um, you wouldn\u2019t mind kissing me?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Instead, find a sexy voice role model like Isaiah Mustafa (you know, the guy from those <\/span>Old Spice commercials<\/span><\/a>). When the moment is right, make eye contact, lean in, and use your sexy voice to say, \u201cYou smell amazing. I really want to kiss you right now.\u201d If your partner kisses <\/span>you<\/span><\/i>, then you\u2019ve got a clear signal they\u2019re into it. If not, use your same sexy voice to ask, \u201cCan I kiss you?\u201d and, of course, wait for the enthusiastic yes before you continue.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ask for the next thing while still doing that other thing.
\n<\/b>Let\u2019s say your partner has excitedly told you to kiss her neck, and it\u2019s been going well. Now you want to go further. Do you stop what you\u2019re doing, look into her eyes, and ask for consent? You certainly can, but you can also continue kissing her neck and slowly get the words out as you take a breath between kisses: Want. <\/span>Kiss.<\/span><\/i> Me to. <\/span>Kiss.<\/span><\/i> Lick your\u2014ahem, you get the idea.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Talk about enthusiastic consent outside the bedroom.
\n<\/b>If you\u2019ve been sweating bullets while reading the first two tips\u2014like you can\u2019t even imagine speaking in a sexy voice in front of a potential lover\u2014fear not. There are many ways you can make yourself feel more comfortable asking if it\u2019s OK to advance a sexual encounter.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

One great way is to talk about enthusiastic consent when a sexual encounter isn\u2019t a possibility. Discuss it with friends. In your dating profile, list it as one of your turn-ons. Mention it  during a first date well before it ever gets to the point where you\u2019re taking each other\u2019s clothes off. The more you talk about enthusiastic consent when sex isn\u2019t about to happen, the more comfortable you\u2019ll be bringing it up when it is. <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Acknowledge the awkwardness.
\n<\/b>Another way to diffuse awkwardness around asking for enthusiastic consent\u2014or anything, really\u2014is to simply say, \u201cI feel awkward.\u201d This may come as a surprise, but acknowledging when you feel awkward will often make you feel less awkward. Bottling it up or pretending it doesn\u2019t exist, on the other hand, can make you feel more nervous, which means not only will you act weird but you won\u2019t be fully enjoying yourself, either. And who knows, after you say it, you may even find that your partner feels just as awkward and is relieved you said it first.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Listen to your partner.
\n<\/b>The only way to truly obtain enthusiastic consent is to listen to what your partner says and how they say it. Does she have a huge smile across her face as she says yes or does she sigh quietly while letting out a halfhearted \u201csure\u201d?<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Remember that your partner may be feeling awkward or nervous, so they may not speak in the queen\u2019s perfect English. Don\u2019t be afraid to ask for clarification or reflect back what you thought you heard, just to be sure. Consider this: it\u2019s much better to ask, \u201cAre you saying you want me to spank you?\u201d than to actually spank them, only to find out later that what they actually wanted was for you to \u201cthank\u201d them.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Reaffirm their enthusiasm.
\n<\/b>Just because your partner said, \u201cYes, kiss me!\u201d in the beginning doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re good to go. Enthusiastic consent must be affirmed and reaffirmed throughout the encounter. Checking in can be as simple as responding to a moan of pleasure by asking, \u201cI assume that noise means you like what I\u2019m doing?\u201d If she gives you a \u201chell yes,\u201d then you know you\u2019re good.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When it comes to enthusiastic consent the important takeaway isn\u2019t just that it helps you avoid rape\u2014although it definitely does\u2014but also that it leads to the best sexual encounters. If done in a sexy way, asking about what your partner wants can enhance the sex you\u2019re having in the moment and in the future as you learn more and more about how to get, and inspire, that enthusiastic YES.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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