{"id":18960,"date":"2019-05-07T01:00:13","date_gmt":"2019-05-07T08:00:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/datemixstaging.wpengine.com\/?p=18960"},"modified":"2021-10-26T01:42:03","modified_gmt":"2021-10-26T08:42:03","slug":"relationship-problems-not-get-solved","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/relationship-advice\/relationship-problems\/relationship-problems-not-get-solved\/","title":{"rendered":"The Majority of Relationship Problems Never Get Resolved\u2026 And That\u2019s a Good Thing"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

According to John Gottman, world-renowned marriage and relationship researcher and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work<\/em>, the majority of relationship problems never get resolved. After decades of studying couples, he and fellow researcher, Robert Levenson, found that 69% of problems are \u201cperpetual\u201d based on personality differences between partners.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you\u2019re rethinking your vows, hang tight. There\u2019s good news. According to Gottman, there are two types of problems: solvable and unsolvable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Solvable problems are ones that require you to actively look for a solution, which, more often than not, includes compromise. They\u2019re problems that just need a little work. To work through these problems you need to be flexible and open-minded.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unsolvable problems require a different set of tools. You can\u2019t throw solutions at an unsolvable problem because that only leads to one partner feeling slighted and ignored. Instead, both partners need to ask for what they need, hear what the other person is saying, and know where their own sensitivities are coming from.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here are five things you should do to overcome unsolvable problems:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Understand where the problem is coming from<\/strong>.
\nThe first step to take when dealing with an ongoing problem in your relationship is to understand your own position on the matter. What does the issue mean to you? What does it touch on in your past and bring up for you? What values is the issue attached to? Knowing yourself well and understanding how you\u2019re feeling is the key to being able to communicate well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Get to know one another\u2019s sensitivities and triggers.
\n<\/strong>Once you know your own story around the issue, your task is to share it with your partner. When I\u2019m working with a couple preparing for marriage, I tell them that the goal is to get to know themselves and their partner better so they can communicate their needs and learn how to walk gently around one another\u2019s sensitivities. Knowing what triggers you have is just the beginning. You have to let your partner in on it too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. Create the right atmosphere for positive discussion<\/strong>.
\nAttempting to start a conversation around difficult topics at the wrong time always ends in disaster\u2014raised voices, heightened emotions, words spoken that you can\u2019t take back, and a stronger urge to sweep the issue under the rug. To avoid such a catastrophe, you have to create the right atmosphere. Ask your partner if now\u2019s a good time to talk. If it isn\u2019t, set a date and time and stick to your commitment. Put away all distractions and devote enough time to tackle the topic at hand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

4. Learn to listen.
\n<\/strong>It\u2019s important to communicate your sensitivities and triggers to your partner, but the most important thing you can learn is how to listen. Most couples get gridlocked on an issue because one, or both, of them doesn\u2019t feel heard by the other. As you learn to become a better listener, make sure you\u2019re focusing on what your partner is saying without formulating your next argument in your head. Reflect back on what you heard. In every conversation, put the priority on listening over speaking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

5. Change your perspective.
\n<\/strong>My graduate school supervisor would famously repeat, \u201cMarriage is just the management of differences.\u201d And while that may sound wholly unromantic, it\u2019s true. Being in a long-term relationship requires you to work around your dissimilarities. After all, you come from different upbringings, have different personalities, show and accept love differently, and ultimately need different things from one another.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You can learn how to manage your differences by knowing each other and communicating well, but you can also do so by changing your perspective. Instead of seeing your diversity as a stumbling block, learn to laugh at each other\u2019s quirks, embrace how every piece contributes to the whole, and don\u2019t be afraid to give yourselves a hard time when you start arguing over the same thing again and again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you can learn how to communicate your sensitivities and needs, listen to and make your partner feel heard, and embrace the ways your differences make your relationship unique, then your unsolvable problems simply become opportunities for growth. While they may never be fully resolved, they do become pathways to deeper understanding of one another which results in deeper intimacy and connection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And that\u2019s certainly good news.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kristine Galli Hankins is a certified life coach, licensed therapist, writer, and speaker. She helps women get out of their heads and into their hearts so they can revive their lives and take action on their dreams. She believes in dreaming big, trusting yourself, and living with more joy, meaning, and purpose. Learn more at www.kristinealetha.com<\/a> and follow her on Facebook<\/a> and Instagram<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Studies show that the majority of relationship problems never get solved. But that’s not such a bad thing.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":193,"featured_media":18962,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[898],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-18960","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationship-problems"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nMost Relationship Problems Are Never Solved: How To Tackle This<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"According to John Gottman, world-renowned marriage and relationship researcher and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, the majority of relationship problems never get resolved.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/relationship-advice\/relationship-problems\/relationship-problems-not-get-solved\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Most Relationship Problems Are Never Solved: How To Tackle This\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"According to John Gottman, world-renowned marriage and relationship researcher and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, the majority of relationship problems never get resolved.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/relationship-advice\/relationship-problems\/relationship-problems-not-get-solved\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"The Date Mix\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/Zoosk\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:author\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/kristinealetha\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2019-05-07T08:00:13+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2021-10-26T08:42:03+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/dq1eylutsoz4u.cloudfront.net\/2019\/05\/07115208\/summer-couple.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"800\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"600\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Kristine Hankins\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@Zoosk\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@Zoosk\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Kristine Hankins\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Most Relationship Problems Are Never Solved: How To Tackle This","description":"According to John Gottman, world-renowned marriage and relationship researcher and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, the majority of relationship problems never get resolved.","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/relationship-advice\/relationship-problems\/relationship-problems-not-get-solved\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Most Relationship Problems Are Never Solved: How To Tackle This","og_description":"According to John Gottman, world-renowned marriage and relationship researcher and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, the majority of relationship problems never get resolved.","og_url":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/relationship-advice\/relationship-problems\/relationship-problems-not-get-solved\/","og_site_name":"The Date Mix","article_publisher":"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/Zoosk\/","article_author":"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/kristinealetha","article_published_time":"2019-05-07T08:00:13+00:00","article_modified_time":"2021-10-26T08:42:03+00:00","og_image":[{"width":800,"height":600,"url":"https:\/\/dq1eylutsoz4u.cloudfront.net\/2019\/05\/07115208\/summer-couple.jpg","type":"image\/jpeg"}],"author":"Kristine Hankins","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_creator":"@Zoosk","twitter_site":"@Zoosk","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Kristine Hankins","Est. reading time":"4 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"Article","@id":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/relationship-advice\/relationship-problems\/relationship-problems-not-get-solved\/#article","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/relationship-advice\/relationship-problems\/relationship-problems-not-get-solved\/"},"author":{"name":"Kristine Hankins","@id":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/#\/schema\/person\/10c6a8b0ff35ec3e7c15671bb2c293d1"},"headline":"The Majority of Relationship Problems Never Get Resolved\u2026 And That\u2019s a Good Thing","datePublished":"2019-05-07T08:00:13+00:00","dateModified":"2021-10-26T08:42:03+00:00","mainEntityOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/relationship-advice\/relationship-problems\/relationship-problems-not-get-solved\/"},"wordCount":812,"publisher":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/#organization"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/relationship-advice\/relationship-problems\/relationship-problems-not-get-solved\/#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"https:\/\/dq1eylutsoz4u.cloudfront.net\/2019\/05\/07115208\/summer-couple.jpg","articleSection":["Relationship Problems"],"inLanguage":"en"},{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/relationship-advice\/relationship-problems\/relationship-problems-not-get-solved\/","url":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/relationship-advice\/relationship-problems\/relationship-problems-not-get-solved\/","name":"Most Relationship Problems Are Never Solved: How To Tackle This","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/relationship-advice\/relationship-problems\/relationship-problems-not-get-solved\/#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/relationship-advice\/relationship-problems\/relationship-problems-not-get-solved\/#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"https:\/\/dq1eylutsoz4u.cloudfront.net\/2019\/05\/07115208\/summer-couple.jpg","datePublished":"2019-05-07T08:00:13+00:00","dateModified":"2021-10-26T08:42:03+00:00","description":"According to John Gottman, world-renowned marriage and relationship researcher and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, the majority of relationship problems never get resolved.","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/relationship-advice\/relationship-problems\/relationship-problems-not-get-solved\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/relationship-advice\/relationship-problems\/relationship-problems-not-get-solved\/"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en","@id":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/relationship-advice\/relationship-problems\/relationship-problems-not-get-solved\/#primaryimage","url":"https:\/\/dq1eylutsoz4u.cloudfront.net\/2019\/05\/07115208\/summer-couple.jpg","contentUrl":"https:\/\/dq1eylutsoz4u.cloudfront.net\/2019\/05\/07115208\/summer-couple.jpg","width":800,"height":600,"caption":"A couple laughing and teasing each other in bed."},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/relationship-advice\/relationship-problems\/relationship-problems-not-get-solved\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Relationships","item":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/relationship-advice\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":3,"name":"Relationship Problems","item":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/relationship-advice\/relationship-problems\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":4,"name":"The Majority of Relationship Problems Never Get Resolved\u2026 And That\u2019s a Good Thing"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/","name":"The Date Mix","description":"Dating and Relationship Advice for Today's Daters","publisher":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/#organization"},"potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en"},{"@type":"Organization","@id":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/#organization","name":"The Date Mix","url":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en","@id":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/#\/schema\/logo\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/TDM-logo.jpg","contentUrl":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/06\/TDM-logo.jpg","width":400,"height":400,"caption":"The Date Mix"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/#\/schema\/logo\/image\/"},"sameAs":["https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/Zoosk\/","https:\/\/x.com\/Zoosk"]},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/#\/schema\/person\/10c6a8b0ff35ec3e7c15671bb2c293d1","name":"Kristine Hankins","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en","@id":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/05\/avatar_user_193_1557254933-96x96.jpg","contentUrl":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/05\/avatar_user_193_1557254933-96x96.jpg","caption":"Kristine Hankins"},"description":"Kristine Galli Hankins is a Certified Life Coach, licensed therapist, writer, and speaker. She believes in dreaming big, trusting yourself, and living with more joy, meaning, and purpose. Kristine has been working with Zoosk to create engaging content aimed at helping couples to get out of their heads and into their hearts so they can revive their lives and take action on their dreams.","sameAs":["https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/kristinealetha"],"url":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/author\/kristine-galli-hankins\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18960","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/193"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=18960"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18960\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/18962"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=18960"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=18960"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.zoosk.com\/date-mix\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=18960"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}