It was an exciting day because you did something new. You went out, built up the courage to say ‘hi’, and walked away with a woman’s number. Now the question is, how do you follow up to get a date? Knowing how to ask a woman out is a simple process, but one that gives a lot of guys anxiety. And as simple as it is, most guys get this part wrong and end up missing out on a great opportunity to go out with a great person.
As long as you approach women the right way, following up with a text message should be the easiest part. Surprisingly though, texting seems to be one of the things men have the hardest time with.
When following up with a woman to get a first date, or even a second date, here are some things to keep in mind.
Have something to say
If you text a woman with “Hey, how’s it going?” it doesn’t leave much for her to respond to. You’re going to get a response like “Good,” which doesn’t lead to anything significant. This is setting yourself up to do more work in order to make a conversation happen. To make it easier on yourself (and the woman you’re speaking with) always ask questions that can’t be answered with a single word.
Don’t act shy about asking for a date
It doesn’t pay to be shy now that you’re trying to set up the first date. Overcome shyness by practicing assertiveness and getting to the point. She already knows why you’re messaging—that was the point of talking to her in the first place—so make it painless by letting her know what you want.
Ok, so how exactly does a guy ask out a woman without asking her a question? The answer is simple—use statements. Instead of saying, “Would you like to grab a coffee sometime?” phrase it as, “Let’s grab a coffee sometime.” It comes across more assertively and sounds confident. It’s no Jedi mind trick, but being assertive is attractive to women. Making this small change will have an affect on how potential dates respond to you, and how you feel about yourself. Confidence is an asset.
Don’t “Game” Her
This seems to be more of a problem for younger guys who’ve learned a warped version of dating. Although social skills are crucial, trying to be a psychologist who’s pressing different buttons to get a reaction out of woman (or anyone for that matter) will make you come across as fake. Because it is fake. This is one area where being yourself rings true. Don’t play games and be open about your interest.
Don’t wait too long
The ‘three day rule’ is one of the worst dating ideas ever. I understand why a lot of guys follow it though. It’s an attempt to not look needy. Maybe it’s too obvious to mention, but the best way to not look needy is by eliminating neediness. This comes back to your character, and your character guides your behavior. Neediness is a good sign that your have something to work on. Aside from making you seem needy, waiting too long to send her a message creates a cooling off period. Life’s busy, and she’s going to forget what she felt when you talked to her those three days ago. Other guys are going to show up too, and your odds of keeping her interest are going to go down. To avoid cooling things off, message the same day you met. Even if you don’t meet until later in the week, the momentum will still be there.
Ask her out on the first message
If you got her number then she’s already going to be interested in meeting you. Texting her to get into a back and forth conversation isn’t necessary. This is something a lot of passive guys will have trouble with. It feels too quick to them, but it’s really just a hidden worry about being turned down. When assertiveness isn’t exercised, it will feel awkward. She knows why you got her number so now all you need to do is ask her out.
Don’t try to be funny
Humor is great when done properly. When it’s not done well, it can be a big turn off. Save the jokes for your date. It isn’t necessary in the text and you don’t want to accidentally send mixed messages because you told a joke that didn’t hit its mark. Having said that, some guys are good at funny texting and won’t have a problem with it. Make sure you’re one of them before cracking too many jokes.
Take the lead
I’ve seen a lot of guys lose opportunities because they left their potential date hanging. It often goes like this:
“Hey Jen, we should get together later in the week.”
“Sure! Let’s do that.”
When you ask someone out make sure to be specific and decisive. Don’t wait for her to suggest a spot or activity. She’s already interested, so after you find out which day works for both of you, suggest the time and place.
Follow up texting
So your date is set for the end of the week, should you send a follow-up text to keep her interest? The vast majority of the time this isn’t necessary. Texting too much can be overbearing for someone you’ve just met. It’s also a major distraction for yourself, especially if you’re a busy man. This doesn’t mean you can’t text at all though. Just let her initiate the conversation if she feels like chatting.
Confirm the date
Showing up for a date that the other person forgets is definitely not a good feeling. This is why a confirmation text the day of your date is always a good idea. Especially if the date was set up more than four days earlier. When you follow up assume that she’s still coming. Don’t ask her, “Are you still OK for tomorrow?” This comes across as insecure because it sounds like you’re either worried or don’t believe she’ll actually come. Instead, say “Hey Charlotte, I’ll be outside of the Starbucks tomorrow at 6. See you then.” All you have to do is mention where you’ll be and at what time.
Avoid texting pitfalls
One of the reasons I recommend not using too much humor or having long conversations over text in the beginning is because it’s easy to misinterpret. An unintentional tonality can be interpreted and result in a loss of interest. When you’re texting, you’re missing out on body language, eye contact, and your voice. It’s also much easier to recover in person if something isn’t communicated right the first time.
Don’t forget that having a conversation over text or through a dating app isn’t your main goal. Messaging should be used as a way to start things off then organize meeting up with someone in real life. Once you’ve gone out a couple times, texting more often makes sense. However, in the early stages it’s best to have your interactions in person.
There’s nothing wrong with a little personality via text, but save most of it for when you see each other. That’s where the real chemistry happens.
For more information about how to overcome shyness or to learn about confidence coaching, check out Eddy’s articles How to Overcome Shyness and Confidence Coaching.
Eddy is a dating and personal development coach who specializes in building confidence. He helps guys crush personal obstacles to become the kind of men that women desire and men respect. Contact Eddy to learn about confidence coaching for life and dating.