Sometimes when you’re trying hard to meet a woman and aren’t having any luck, it can feel like the old adage “nice guys finish last” just might be true. Especially when you’re doing everything you can to be a gentleman and just aren’t getting anything back. Recently, we talked to dating expert Hayley Quinn about nice guys and online dating. After looking into data from the actions of online daters, she found that a lot of “nice guy” behaviors actually helped guys while dating online. While “bad boy” behaviors usually fell flat.
Transcript:
Hi, I’m dating expert Hayley Quinn, and I’m here with some really interesting statistics, which show (at least in the world of online dating) why nice guys don’t always finish last. Now, these statistics are taken from over 1,000,000 user profiles, kindly provided by the online dating site and app Zoosk. So, the information I’m telling you isn’t just some made-up statistic, these are actual facts in terms of how people are behaving in the realm of online dating. So, I have three interesting ones which show how traditional “nice guy” behaviors work really well when it comes to online dating.
So, fact number one is in terms of response rate. So that whole “treat them mean, keep them keen”—that thing doesn’t actually translate, especially not in 2018 (oh that was rhyme). What I mean by that is, actually taking time to respond to someone’s messages—now in our world of instant communication, whether that’s Facebook Messenger, WhatsApp, or an online dating site—is often read that you either just don’t care and shows a low level of investment, which women respond to negatively (understandably), or it also fails to capture the moment. So, for instance, a woman might just be casually using the online dating site, she might just open the app for one day, and be in the frame of mind where she wants to meet someone. If you take a couple of days to respond to her, then the enthusiasm level drops and actually you stand a much worse chance of getting a response. The statistics say that if you manage to respond to a woman on the day that she messages you, you get a 62% increased chance of response versus just 45% if you take an extra day to respond to her.
This nice guy thing is also played out in the words in the user’s profile that women seem to respond better to. So, guys who have the phrase, “knight in shining armor” get 67% more messages than guys that don’t, as well as guys who have the word, “thoughtful” in their profile at 66%. So why do I think that these traditionally “chivalrous” nice guy words and phrases put into your profile, do so well? I think that part of that is there has been in some dating sites and apps, kind of a negative attachment to them thinking that maybe they drive more casual, short-term relationships (and there’s nothing wrong with that by the way, if that’s what you want). However, I think for women who are particularly looking for something more meaningful, they will be attracted to guys who showcase themselves online as representing that kind of person.
So, this really goes back to looking at your online dating profile and brand, and thinking about what values it represents. This could be the clothes that you’re wearing in your pictures. It could be whether you’re in this kind of cool urban backdrop or whether you’ve got, um, you know, a really nice stately home in the background (of course, I say this because I’m English). It could be whether you’re out doing an outdoorsy activity or you’re out partying. All of these things communicate slightly different values about your lifestyle, and rightly or wrongly, people will come to judgments and conclusions about your suitability and compatibility for them based on how you present yourself online. So right now, you might just be kind of thinking, I’ll just put my most recent five Instagram pictures up as my online dating profile, or you might be choosing your photos in a way that’s quite arbitrary or because they hold nice memories for you. Instead, try to look at your photo set and also the words in your profile as a whole image, and what values that represents. Because stats like these clearly show that for the guys out there who do want more of a meaningful relationship or who just like to show up for women in a way that is more caring, that is that knight in shining armor, that is thoughtful, that is attentive, that obviously there is women out there who are really responding well to those qualities, and there is a need for that in the online dating space.
So, fun fact about why nice guys don’t finish last in online dating number three, is that for women age 30-50, the word (I’m sure this probably doesn’t surprise you), “honest” is the one that they use to describe the most the kind of ideal guy that they get. Now, understandably, I think that once anybody has had a succession of dating experiences, they might be thinking, “Well, maybe my judgment wasn’t fantastic in the past.” And, online dating is fantastic for increasing the randomization of how you meet people, it introduces you to people you literally would have never met ever before. However, one of the kind of negatives of that is that it can take longer to establish trust than if you’ve met somebody via a social circle or a shared hobby and interest. So therefore, if you’re an honest person (which I really hope you are), or people that are honest or who promote themselves in that way or show that value in how they communicate, are going to be selected more often and looked upon more favorably. Now, honesty could be a word that you put in your profile, but it could also be, I think what’s really important is an integrity between your actions and what you say. So that could be, you know, if you say you’re going to message her or give her a call on Friday night, do it. And if you can’t, for whatever reason, give her enough notice (way in advance). This kind of thing where you say something and you successfully complete the action, builds a chain, which helps to create trust and demonstrates your honesty as a person.
So, I hope you can see from watching this video that some of the traditional “nice guys” behaviors—whether that’s a being consistent, being honest, being responsive, being attentive, being thoughtful—all of these characteristics are not negative and unsexy. In fact, they’re really desirable, and actually what lots of people will be looking out for in the online dating process.
I hope that helps you and I hope you find these actual facts and stats that I said all from over 1,000,000 user profiles helpful.
So, if you want to know more about how to be effective at dating, but also ethical, check out the link below my video. I’ve got some great more free videos and advice for you at www.hayleyquinn.com/approach.
All right. Thanks so much for watching this video. And comment if you like it, you agree, you disagree. And I’ll be back again soon with another video.
