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Are You Guilty of Creating Instant Relationships?

A woman who's with a guy she's creating an instant relationship with even though they haven't discussed it.

Everyone’s been there—you’re starting to have serious feelings for a guy, the relationship seems to be progressing, and then he just stops calling. So what’s up? I’m going to tell you something that’s going to save you a ton of time, especially all those hours you spend dissecting a man’s behavior trying to figure out what happened. If you’ve been starting to feel closer to a guy, and then he suddenly stops calling there are only three reasons why:

1. He doesn’t know what to do with your growing relationship, because it’s not the right time for him.

2. He doesn’t know what to do with your growing relationship, because he’s not mature or capable of getting any closer.

3. Something was said or done that let him know that a relationship with you wouldn’t be a good fit for him.

There’s absolutely nothing you can do about the first two reasons. No matter how amazing you are, a man who isn’t ready for a relationship won’t suddenly become ready or mature because of anything you do, say, or are.

But wait, let’s screech to a halt at number three, because this is where your worst fears are confirmed—something you said or did made this guy turn away from you. Well, not exactly something you did. Let me explain something I like to call the Instant Relationship phenomenon.

What’s an Instant Relationship?

After only knowing a guy for a little while, many women will let themselves get wrapped up in what I call an Instant Relationship. This is when a woman will already think that she’s in a relationship with a guy—that they will be spending all their days and weekends together, and that he won’t be dating any other women—before the two of them have even talked about it. Then, when it turns out the man isn’t being exclusive, or maybe just doesn’t plan on seeing her next Friday, she gets disappointed.

This can happen to anyone, man or woman. It’s easy to get excited over the possibility of a new relationship. But it’s important to remember that, early on, that’s all it is… the possibility of a relationship, not a relationship.

Instead of putting all your energy into creating an Instant Relationship, focus instead on drawing the person you’re interested in and connecting with him on an emotional level.

How to Form a Lasting Relationship

1. Live your life in a way that attracts the people you’re interested in.

Question: If the guy you’re interested in were to simply join you in the things you were doing in your life, would he have a great time? Would he see you living a happy and full life? Would he be excited to be with you and do some of the things you’re doing?

Lots of women have great lives. But as soon as they meet a guy, they focus too much on fitting into his life or becoming what they think he wants instead of focusing on welcoming him into their life and on what they want. They’ll do things like give up friends and hobbies and weekends for a man, only to realize that they’ve “lost themselves” in the relationship. Don’t change your whole life and what makes you happy for another person, even if that person is wonderful.

2. Create the conditions for a real relationship.

There’s one thing that all men love and respond to, and it’s one of the most simple but powerful secrets to leaving a man wanting more. And this one thing is (drum roll please): Appreciation! Appreciation to men is what affection is to women. Men don’t fall in love when a woman gives and gives to them, but through the process of having a woman they enjoy giving to.

So if you’re worried that a man will think you’re not interested in him if you don’t move things forward, here’s what you should do instead:  Show him your appreciation. Let’s say you’ve had a great date with a man and you definitely want him to ask you out again. All you have to do at the end of the date is thank him and let him know you had a great time.

The trick is to express genuine appreciation without any angle or conditions to it. That’s the magic way that appreciation sinks into a man’s heart and lets him know a woman is special, and gets him thinking about her again right away.

When you make your life as rich as possible, the right guy will naturally want to be a part of it. And when he does show up, simply let him know you’re glad he’s in it. You won’t fall victim to the Instant Relationship and you’ll create a solid foundation for a lasting, connected, real relationship.

Christian Carter is the author of the e-book Catch Him & Keep Him. For more dating and relationship advice straight from a man’s mind, subscribe to Christian Carter’s email newsletter at his site

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