We’ve all heard of the book (and the movie) “He’s Just Not That Into You” but when you’re caught up in the excitement of the early stages of a relationship, what are the signs that can show you if he does, or doesn’t care? To help get the answers, we asked best-selling author Mat Boggs to give us a little male perspective.
Hey there, my name is Mat Boggs and I’m a best-selling author and relationship coach empowering women. I often get asked the question, “How do I know if my guy is into me or if he’s just not that into me?” So, I thought I’d put together a little video for you that uncovers 7 signs that help you know if the guy you’re seeing just isn’t that into you.
Sign #1: He’s inactive.
So, this is the guy who’s kind of lazy about the relationship. He’s not setting up plans with you, he’s not texting you, he’s not calling you. But, it’s confusing because every time you reach out to him, he’s totally game. He’s willing to hang out with you as long as you’re the one that plans it. He’s willing to go out as long as you’re the one that sends him the invitation. And when you guys go out, you actually have a phenomenal time. You laugh and you connect and it’s great. But, you just can’t seem to get him to take the lead and move this relationship forward.
A buddy of mine who would fall into this category used to describe it like this with some of the girls that he was seeing—he was like look, “I feel like I am a lion, you know?” And when there’s a lion and there’s a gazelle speeding across the savanna, that lion thinks to himself, Do I really want to chase that gazelle down? No. I just think I just want to sit right here. But, if a gazelle comes and flops down right in front of the lion and rolls over, the lion’s like, Eh, all right. And eats the gazelle. So he said, “It’s all about energy expenditure—if I don’t have to do a lot of work, I’m totally willing to hang out with this girl.” But, the girls that he has to do a lot of work for, if he’s not into her, he’s not going to do the work.
Sign #2: He’s distracted or he’s not present with you.
Believe it or not, our attention is actually one of the most valuable commodities that we have because it’s limited. And we will put attention on what we value the most. So if you’re out with a guy and he’s putting his attention on his phone, on work, on other things, on other women (if he’s looking at other women going by), if he’s got upgraditis (so to speak). If he’s constantly looking for something better, if you don’t feel him fully present with you, he might not be that into you because the guys who are into you are going to be present and focused.
Sign #3: He’s bread-crumbing you.
This is the guy that does the minimum possible effort to keep you engaged. So, he texts you, but he texts you like every fourth day. He goes out with you, but it’s like every other week. It’s just the bare minimum to keep you engaged and to keep you interacting with him. He often doesn’t want to hang out during primetime hours—Friday night, Saturday night. It will be like a weekday. Or if he does hang out with you, he’ll invite you…this is the kind of guy that often tries to combine activities. So, he’ll be going to the beach and having a beach day with his friends, and he’ll invite you to come. It’s rarely a one-on-one. It’s the minimal possible effort to keep you engaged and keep you connected.
Sign #4: He’s self-absorbed and self-focused.
He’s not curious about you or your life. So, the topic of conversation is always about him. It’s about his day, his concerns, his challenges, or the successes that he’s having.
And for you to try to share about your day, it’s almost like you have to interrupt and say, “Oh yeah, me too. I actually had a similar experience.” And then, you refocus it on yourself. But, he doesn’t make it easy. Right? He’s not interested in you; he’s not asking you questions. And worse yet, he’s actually putting you down, and is critical of you, your body, or your dreams, or your personality. And he subtly tries to change you. Right?
He’ll say, “Hey, don’t be so emotional.” Or, “You know what, you could really use some gym time and change your body.” Those kinds of guys, they’re usually more in it for themselves than in it for you.
Sign #5: He’s hot and then he’s cold.
So when he’s pursuing you, he’s on the full-court press. But then when he’s not pursuing you, it’s like a ghost town. You wonder where he went. So, often it’s when you’re hanging out, he’s loving on you, he’s hugging on you, you’re the most amazing woman on the planet, you’re so beautiful. And then you don’t hear from this guy. And, often you will only hear from him when it’s convenient for him. He’ll send you a text message on New Year’s Eve at 12:30, after the ball has dropped. That says something like this, “Missing you… Thinking about you.” Don’t let that hook you back in. He wasn’t missing you and thinking about you. What he was doing was feeling lonely. And so he got his phone out, sent that scrolling through all of his contacts and sending that text to everybody in his phone. So, a guy who’s hot and cold is not the guy who’s seriously about you and into you.
Sign #6: You’re dating Stagnant Man!
Now, Stagnant Man’s kryptonite is the, “Where is this relationship going?” conversation. Or the, “What are we?” conversation. Stagnant Man no-likey. He does not want that because he likes things the way that they are. And he will often get mad at you for wanting to have those conversations, saying, “Hey, why are you trying to screw up what we have? I like things the way they are.” So, he does not want to change. Stagnant Man loves the status quo.
Sign #7: You can’t tell if he’s interested.
You have a built-in superpower called your intuition. It is brilliant, it is intelligent, it is powerful. And if you can’t tell if he is interested or not, chances are that he is not that interested. There’s a great quote that says, “If your man was convicted in a court of law for loving you, would there be enough evidence to convict him?” And I love that idea because what’s the evidence that we love somebody else? You can give him what’s called “the silent movie test.” I love this idea. If he were a silent movie, where you couldn’t hear what he’s saying, but all you were doing was watching his actions. Remember those all black and white silent movies? Where you just watched people running around, right? If you were just watching his actions, would you say this man is into or not?
Now, why am I bringing these seven up? Keep in mind, your man doesn’t have to have a perfect score. No man is perfect. God knows I get distracted at times when I’m on a date with my wife. But you don’t want… he doesn’t have to have a perfect score, but you want him to have a winning score. And the reason why I bring these seven up is if you see a pattern among these seven things, or you notice that the guy you’re dating just isn’t that into you, cast him aside and make room for something new and amazing in your life. Because the truth is that you are worthy of an amazing relationship. The truth is you deserve to have someone who pours energy and affection and attention on you. Just like you’re going to pour energy, affection, and attention on him. You deserve that.
Make that welcome in your life. Because you’re beautiful, you’re powerful, you’re amazing, and there is no one on this planet who’s just like you. And there is a man right now looking for you wanting to spend his life with you as well. And if you’ve got someone taking up that space, it’s going to make it hard for that man to find you. So, clear the way and make room for your amazing relationship.
So now, here’s my question for you—when you’re not that into somebody, what are some of your behaviors? What are some of the signs that you send out (whether consciously or maybe subconsciously)?
And, I’ve also attached in the description (and I’ll link it up here in the video), a resource that will help you understand men in an entirely new way, in a deeper way, so you can build the attraction, either with the man that you’re with or attract an amazing man that you want.
Thanks so much for watching. I’m looking forward to seeing you soon.