I’m a relationship coach now, but way back when… boy did I struggle in the love department. I sit here writing this while going through my laundry list of poor dating choices in my life. I can’t help to think about how many of the men I dated could fall into the “player” category.
Let’s not hash out all the dreary details but one of my biggest weaknesses was believing every word these players would say. Call me naïve but I just saw the best in people and each time I did, I’d end up devastated.
Now, I’m not going to advice anyone to become a bitter, angry, single person who doesn’t trust anyone. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but to get there you have to learn how to date more consciously and be mindful about how to approach dating.
Here are five ways to stop attracting those annoying players:
1. Make sure their actions match their words.
Every player I ever dated was a master of words. It’s like they went to some college for players, came back and knew exactly what to say to me to suck me in.
There’s a very simple test you can use to weed out these pesky players—test their actions against their words.
For example, if he tells you he can’t wait to introduce you to his friends/family and weeks later he hasn’t set up any dates… Words: 1, Actions: 0.
Then if he says he says family is super-important to him, but he never engages with your family or his family… Words: 2, Actions: 0.
The idea is to hold him accountable for the things he says. If you do this, it won’t take you long to figure out if you’re dating a player or someone who truly deserves your love and trust.
2. Open your eyes and trust your gut.
You know the old saying that if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and walks like a duck, then guess what… it’s a duck?
Well, when it comes to dating players almost all of them have a certain look/style. That’s because they’re well aware of the things that attract women. That’s how they’re able to play the game so well. But, the thing is, so many women see these obvious signs that a womanizer is standing before them, then convince themselves this one is different or that they can change him.
The bottom line is that when it comes to weeding out players, trusting your gut feeling that something it wrong and then trusting the choices you make after that are key.
3. Drop chemistry and study biology.
If I had a nickel for every person who told me how much chemistry she had with Player #1, or Player #2, or #3, I could hang up my dating coaching shoes and retire. When it comes to finding long lasting love, chemistry isn’t worth much if you don’t have deeper aligned values.
Here’s the thing about chemistry; it’s great, but did you know in the early stages of dating that incredible joyous feeling of connection to someone is your brain pumping out dopamine? Which is the same chemical that’s released when a person uses cocaine? That’s right, cocaine.
When you find a player and suddenly find yourself supremely addicted to them in a way that makes no sense to you, chances are it’s biology not chemistry that you’re feeling.
So smart daters know that the best way to avoid getting caught dating players is to date with your head and not your heart.
4. Know your relationship non-negotiables.
I often write about non-negotiables not only because they’re an important part of conscious dating, but also because they’re important while you’re weeding out people who aren’t worth your time (aka players).
What kryptonite is to Superman, non-negotiables are to players. That’s because when you’re armed with your non-negotiables, it’s easy to see when someone you’re dating doesn’t meet one.
And when it comes to non-negotiables, even if one of them isn’t met, the relationship will fail every time.
Having that knowledge of whether the person across from you is right for you or not, is so powerful. It’s like having a player detector on you at all times. So, before you make your next dating move, make sure that all your relationship non-negotiables are met.
5. Slow down so you can speed up.
When I first started dating my husband, it was five dates before I let him come and pick me up at my home. Did he like it? He most certainly did not. In fact, he voiced that numerous times, but I stuck to my guns. It wasn’t really that I didn’t trust him so much as I wanted to take things slow and make sure I did things at a speed that I was comfortable with.
One thing about most players is that they tend to be very impatient. I mean, why would you invest weeks or months into a woman you may not even win over, when woman number two or three throws herself at your feet. So, when it comes to avoiding players it’s really important for you to take your time so you know what you have.
Now you’re armed with the dating tools that help you make more conscious choices when it comes to dating. At the end of the day, even when they choose you… it’s your choice to date them or not, so be smart!
Amie is certified as a Master Relationship Coach and published Author. Her mission is to help singles find lasting love by Conscious Dating. Her dedication has led Amie to be named one of LA’s Best Dating Coaches by Dating Advice. Amie has been featured in a variety of media outlets including the CBS Network, Fox 5 News, People Entertainment Weekly Channel, HelloGiggles TV, ATTN:, LiveStrong, and Martha Stewart Weddings. She invites you to grab her free copy of “5 Dating Traps Keeping You Single”.