The concept of a soulmate often baffles most of us. The idea that there’s only one special person who’s perfect for us seems like a far-fetched fairytale. But is it?
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines soulmate as:
1: a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament.
2: a person who strongly resembles another in attitudes or beliefs ideological soul mates.
I’m a relationship coach and a happily married woman now, but before that I struggled with dating for years. Because of my experiences, I have to agree with Webster’s definition. Once I stopped screening my dates based on superficial qualities (tall, handsome, good on paper), I finally landed the one.
Yes, he was definitely different from the rest but the relationship itself was unique because of these five reasons:
1. Things are just easier.
Maybe you’ve heard the quote that things should be easy from the start before. Honestly, I thought this was a bunch of crap since every relationship I had in the past wasn’t so easy.
My old relationships always started with challenges and issues. Seeing my parent’s constant turmoil growing up made me think, maybe fighting is normal in relationships.
But I came to realize that this belief wasn’t true. Especially in the early stages of dating my now husband. From the start we were transparent with each other, and we were both very genuine about who we were.
Our past, present, and future was talked about without fear of judgment. And we were truly our authentic selves with each other. In the past, if I shared something personally challenging for me, I would be judged, made to feel shame, and made to feel less than I am. (I didn’t know it back then, but these other partners were indirectly telling me they weren’t a good fit.)
So it’s important when you find that special person that they embrace ALL of you including your past, good parts, and current flaws. You know you’re in the right type of relationship when you feel accepted, safe, and secure.
2. Your relationship non-negotiables are met.
Most of us wing it when it comes to dating (I sure did), we really don’t sit down and think about relationship non-negotiables (aka deal-breakers) before we set out on our dating journey. But I eventually made my list and prepared myself.
I focused on core values that need to be aligned with my partner in order for the relationship to work. And I saw that there was definitely a big difference when I dated someone with different non-negotiables—we constantly fought all the time. I never thought to screen them before committing to a relationship, which led to me wanting to change the person I was with to more of what I wanted, and vice versa for him. And that wasn’t fair!
But with my soulmate, it was different. We had so much in common and saw a lot of things eye-to-eye, so it was hard to find conflict in our relationship. Our conversations were about what fun trip we were taking next.
In my Conscious Dating Programs, most singles usually have about 10 to 15 of non-negotiables. Some examples are their partner must want a family or must be financially responsible.
Because of this one of the major signs that you’ve found the one, is if your partner has met all of your relationship non-negotiables. Then you know you both are on the same path in life.
3. Actions match words.
I kissed a lot of frogs that promised me the world. I used to get sucked in by all the discussions about the future and I wanted to believe in their potential.
Unfortunately, nothing ever came to fruition. It was a bunch of over-promises and under deliveries. I made a pact to myself that I wouldn’t listen to a man’s sales pitch anymore, and that I’d actually pay attention to his actions.
I would give my dates 90 days to prove themselves to be men of their word. (Hey, companies give new hires 90 days, there’s got to be a reason for that!)
So I went with it. Guess what? That is exactly the time frame when I would I start to see people get too comfortable, things would fall apart, and they would show their true colors—their actions did not match their words.
Except for one person that stood out consistently. You guessed it, that’s why he’s my husband! So pay attention to how commitments are made—Do they honor the times they say they will call you, the time they say to arrive for a date, and the trips they promise to take with you?
If their actions consistently match their words, it’s a good indication that, throughout your relationship, they will be someone you can rely on and trust.
4. The people you love, love them too.
I know, I know… for the most part we shouldn’t base our decisions on other’s opinions. But I’m a firm believer of Like attracts Like. But this only works if you have a network of people you know, like, and trust with your life. If you have a bunch of superficial friends, then their opinions aren’t worth a grain of salt.
For the longest time I would take a boyfriend home to meet my friends and family. They would cringe, take notice, and share concerns. I fought every one of them and stayed till the relationship doomed itself.
Maybe I was stubborn and didn’t want anyone telling me what to do. But deep down inside, I knew they were right. I mean, they all knew me for a long time, so of course they could see the danger ahead.
And of course, it was different when I was dating my husband. We’d only been dating a week and people were asking how long have you known each other, seems like years. That was a sign!
If your closest friends and the people you trust say things like, “he/she is perfect for you” or “how long have you been dating (you just met)”. These are signs that your friends see how natural and comfortable you are with each other and it’s a good indicator that you’re on the right track to picking the one.
5. You bring out the best in each other.
Throughout my years of painfully dating, I will say my ability to pick out a good date was definitely broken. I seemed to always pick men that I had to rescue or who were emotionally unavailable. I found myself defeated, hopeless, and drained.
It wasn’t until I started consciously dating that I began to pay attention to how I felt around different people. I didn’t fall for sweet words or promises, but I actually asked myself, “Am I growing around this person?” and “Does this person bring out the best in me?”
When I met the love of my life, I must say I answered that question with an overwhelming, “YES!” I know we all want a companion in our lives, but remember to be the chooser and find a person that brings out the best in you and that you challenge as well. That’s when you’ll know you’ve found the one.
I found the love of my life after years of struggles, I know you can too.
Amie is a certified Master Relationship Coach and published author. Her mission is to help singles find lasting love by conscious dating. Her dedication has led Amie to be named one of LA’s “Best Dating Coaches” by DatingAdvice.com. Amie has been featured in a variety of media outlets including the CBS Network, Fox 5 News, People Entertainment Weekly, HelloGiggles TV, ATTN:, LiveStrong, and Martha Stewart Weddings. She invites you tograb her FREE copy of “5 Dating Traps” now!