How to Make Love: Why It’s More Than Just Sex

couple lying on bed kissing and about to make love

If you’re wondering how to make love, it’s not a big secret, there’s a difference between making love and having sex. But maybe you’re not entirely sure what those differences are. Or you may just not be sure if what you are experiencing is making love or having sex. 

Sometimes, the line can get a little blurry. One of the best parts of being in a loving, committed relationship is participating in the act of making love, as much and as often as all parties see fit. Sure, it’s fun to just get down and dirty with someone. But making love, with all the emotion and connection, can be an incredible experience.

Having sex just for the sake of having sex can be awesome too. Exploring your sexuality through consensual encounters can be immensely empowering. Becoming a sexual goddess is great for keeping your partner happy. But it’s not necessarily the same thing as making love to your special someone.

As long as you and your partner(s) are actively discussing intent and boundaries, there’s no one right way to get it on. So, what exactly is the difference between making love and having sex? And how do you know how to make love, if all you’ve ever done is just have sex? Read on to find out what makes the difference.

How to Make Love and Why It’s Different to Sex 

The Motivation is Different

When you’re having sex, your primary motivation may be to get off and have an orgasm. When making love, climaxing is important, but the primary motivation is to connect on an emotional level with your partner. Making love can mean taking delight in exploring your partner’s body, mind, and heart, not just because you’re trying to have an orgasm, but because you’re trying to share a seriously intimate connection with them.

According to Gigi Engle, a certified sex coach, sexologist, and author, you’ll know you’re making love when “you’re super into the things this person does to your body: the way they kiss, their smell, their sexual technique. You have chemistry, and things are hot. It means there is a spark. Everything sort of works.”

The Communication is Different

When you’re having sex, you might choose to engage in some dirty talk. Even if you aren’t a fan of sexy lingo, communication during sex is often used to express your needs and desires. Once you learn how to make love, this can change. It’s not that dirty talk isn’t possible when making love, but you may choose to incorporate more loving, emotional words. Making love can give couples the ability to be very open with each other, as well as the perfect space for talking about how much they love each other.

The Vulnerability is Different

When having sex, even if you’re sometimes open to trying new things, you may not normally consider more than finishing and feeling good. With making love, however, this can differ. Couples making love are often extremely emotionally vulnerable to the point that tears can flow. If the motivation for making love is to connect, there’s no better way to do that than being intentionally vulnerable.

The Personality is Different

Sometimes, when I’m having sex, I turn into a different person. Occasionally, this is intentional, through role-playing or kink, but other times, it’s just because my inhibitions are down, and it’s awesome to feel like some wonderful sex goddess that you may not usually feel like in “real life.”

When you’re making love, however, it’s easier to be your authentic self without inhibition. You tend to try and connect as yourselves rather than a persona. Although that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy role play as a committed couple! 

The Presence is Different

Making love brings you to be present in the moment. You’re at your most vulnerable, and when you feel that way, you know you’re in a place where you can be your true self. If you want to know how to make love, rather than just have sex, one of the best places to start is opening yourself to the experience and how it makes you feel. When you’re confident, secure, and satisfied, you’re able to be in the moment. With a loving partner, you can enjoy being fully present and available to enjoy each other through the experience.  

In conclusion

Making love can be a truly wonderful, unique experience. Of course, that’s not to say having sex doesn’t have its own value. As long as you and your partner(s) are discussing consent, intent, and boundaries throughout every phase of your hookup, there’s no wrong way to get it on. Whether you’re making love or having sex, your sexual autonomy and pleasure are your own to define and enjoy. 

Demeter DeLune

Demeter is a writer and sex positive blogger who’s been practicing what she preaches for longer than she’d like to admit. She’s the friend you have to warn your other friends about and channels that into her writing. She’s given advice all over the world, but still can’t get her cats to listen.

Discover more about her on her Twitter or website.

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