Breakups are hard… but they’re not always permanent. You know the saying, if they leave and come back, it was meant to be? Well, here’s to hoping. If you’re looking to get your ex back, there are certain things you can do to make this happen. But, you must be prepared for the possibility of rejection.
As long as you’re willing to take the risk for a chance at round two, here are a few tips on how to get your ex back, the right way.
1. Ask them to have a proper sit down and conversation with you.
Proper communication often gets lost in the shuffle when emotions run high after a breakup. Pick a neutral spot, like a coffee shop or a park bench to have your conversation.
“Ask how they’re doing, look them in the eyes, smile and listen to what they have to say. Engage fully in the conversation and be relaxed and centered, and do not interrupt,” says relationship expert, Andrew Sofin.
Also, be empathetic about their feelings.
“Ask how the break made them feel,” Sofin goes on. “Listen to their story of the break up without interrupting and express empathy for what they went through.”
If you weren’t a good listener before, now is the time to be.
2. Don’t dwell on the past.
In the conversation, try to avoid dwelling on only the negatives that caused the break up. Instead, talk about some of the good memories you had so it doesn’t appear to your ex that you thought it was all bad.
“Many people keep revisiting past events and try and convince their ex that their story of the relationship is the right version,” says Sofin. “DON’T DO THIS! Focus on the present and the future, especially things that you have in common or are both passionate about.”
3. Never use manipulation or emotional coercion to get a partner back.
Don’t try to make the other person feel guilty for how you’re feeling or threaten any aspect of your life if they don’t come back to you. Instead, spend time thinking about your level of responsibility and the ways in which you fell short of being a good partner.
“Create a plan and timeline to personally address these issues to improve,” says licensed marriage and family therapist, Steven Reigns. “Communicate to your ex the personal responsibility you’re willing to take for the downfall of the relationship.”
4. Give a full apology.
Saying your sorry can be hard, especially when you have to do it first. If you want your ex back, there’s going to have to be some serious apologizing and you need to be particular with your words.
“Our own feelings of guilt or shame can cause us to use diminutive terms when apologizing. To the receiver, it can sound as if you’re expecting them to take a percentage of the blame or that your apology has loopholes and conditions,”says Reigns.
‘I’m sorry I was slightly condescending when…’ or ‘I might have been condescending when’ compared to ‘I’m sorry I was harsh and condescending when…’ has a much different feel to it.
5. Find the you that you might have lost.
It’s easy to lose yourself in a relationship. Maybe you got too comfortable, stopped trying for each other, found different interests, or turned into a different person during your relationship, This may have contributed to why your ex wanted out in the first place.
“Look at yourself hard in the mirror and think about all the ways you changed during your relationship,” explains Joann Cohen, a professional matchmaker. “If you can find the ‘you’ they fell in love with and be that person again, whether that means coming out of depression, being passionate about your own hobbies again, or just not being so resentful in your relationship with them, you will likely be able to remind them why they fell in love and why they want you back.”
6. Work on you.
Similarly, if you lost yourself in the relationship because you were always giving in then that can be highly unattractive and unhealthy too.
“That old saying about loving yourself to find love is true,” says Cohen. “Instead of focusing so intently on winning them back, focus on loving yourself. When they see how independent and strong you are on your own, they’ll be chasing you to win you back instead of the other way around.”
7. Be HONEST.
After you’ve gone through the previous tips tell your ex how you feel about him/her and that you want to get back together. Don’t beg… they have to want it too if you’re going to have a strong relationship. Therefore, don’t pressure or push the other person. They might not come running back to you at that very moment, and may need time.
Ultimately, getting back together is a big choice for both of you, and your ex may not choose the way you’d like them too. No matter what happens, respect their decision, their feelings, and the time you’ve had together. If, like you, they still see a future in your relationship and something worth working on, you’ll be in a good position to build a relationship that will make you both happier and stronger together this second time around.