Everyone has insecurities, related to dating or otherwise. If you’re a human being, you’ve likely had those moments of crippling self-doubt, hesitation, and second-guessing yourself.
When it comes to dating, those feelings can be even more intense. Some people have what feels like a bundle of insecurities about their relationship and some people just have one or two. Regardless of where you fall on the scale, there are clear things you can do to help overcome those insecurities and find more comfort in your relationship.
Don’t make it all about you.
Yes, your insecurity may be about you because it’s your own, but chances are, it comes from another place entirely. Are you insecure about your partner staying loyal to you because your previous partners were unfaithful? That’s not your fault. It makes sense that you would have that insecurity. Do you assume your relationship won’t last because your parents are divorced and you’ve never seen an example of a healthy relationship? Again, not your fault.
Your insecurities are yours but the first step is to discover when and why you started feeling that way. Whatever your trigger may be—past relationships, parents and family, or something your current partner does—it’s important to discover so you can proceed from there.
Talk about it.
To be completely honest, discussing your insecurity with your partner is something you should definitely do, but it’s healthy to find other people to talk to as well. If you have the means and accessibility, talking about your insecurities to a therapist is a great idea. Whether you go to couples therapy with your partner, therapy on your own, or some combination of both, one of the best ways to let go of your insecurities is by discussing them and discovering the tools that work best for you.
Try not to dwell.
It can be nearly impossible, but try not to dwell on your insecurities. If you sit and stress out about whatever you’re feeling low about, it will be harder for you to overcome the issue at hand. While it’s important to acknowledge and process your insecurities, dwelling will not help you. If you’re keeping yourself up at night stressing out about being cheated on or not being pretty enough or whatever the issue may be, you’re not utilizing the most effective coping strategies. Try to breathe deep and focus on something else.
Spend time with people who build you up.
Hopefully your partner is someone who builds you up, but he or she is likely not enough. When you’re at your lowest and really need someone to talk to, spend time with the people who know you best. Surround yourself with your family that loves you, your friends that know and support you, and your partner, who you hopefully feel comfortable enough with to discuss whatever you’re feeling insecure about. Additionally, take the time to be by yourself and reflect on if you’re the kind of person who cherishes your alone time. (And even if you’re not—being comfortable by yourself is important.)
Try to avoid comparison.
They say “comparison is the thief of joy,” and that saying rings very true for most people. When you’re feeling insecure, it’s so easy to log in to Instagram and compare yourself to other people. You’re insecure about your weight so you find every gorgeous model online to reiterate that insecurity. You feel tentative about your partner’s level of commitment, and all of a sudden, every other couple looks happy and stable and in love. You feel insecure about your job or finances and everyone else is on a tropical vacation. Comparison is easy to stumble into, but it will rarely if ever help you out in the long run. Close out of the social media apps and call a friend instead.
Don’t make assumptions.
Talk, talk, talk. Instead of assuming and jumping to conclusions, discuss your insecurity with your partner about whatever is going on. Your relationship is not yours alone, and instead of assuming you have it all figured out—the problem and the solution—include your partner in the conversation. It’s easy to talk to yourself in your head and create a whole assumed issue. Rather than do this by yourself, include your partner and be honest and vulnerable. It’s not easy, but it will be helpful in the long run.
Be patient with yourself.
Be kind to yourself. Be patient and gentle with yourself. While it’s significant to note your own patterns, to avoid self-sabotage, and to push yourself to be vulnerable, it’s just as important to have patience. We’re all capable of frustrating ourselves, but remember that being insecure is common and super relatable. It’s okay to feel your feelings, to have grace in your own healing process, and to love yourself throughout it all.
Being in a relationship is hard, but worthwhile. As your insecurity or insecurities continue to pop up in life, be sure that you follow the above steps to attempt to overcome them. Being honest, vulnerable, patient, and open will help you get through the trap of feeling overwhelmingly insecure. You got this.