Skip to content

Home > Dating Advice > Dating in Your 40s > 40 and Single: 4 Ways You Could Be Sabotaging Yourself

40 and Single: 4 Ways You Could Be Sabotaging Yourself

This woman who is 40 and single is smiling with a guy on a date.

If you’re still single over 40, it may be that you’re the best catch in the world and your time just hasn’t come yet. Or is it something deeper? As I speak to more people who are over 40 and single about their dating lives, I hear a lot of the same things—There’s no one good out there; No one has any morals anymore; No one has any respect for others; No one knows how to behave; No one knows how to have a conversation without being offensive; Where is that person who has the same standards as me? If all these people, male and female, are asking the same questions, why aren’t they finding each other? It’s like a dog running around in a circle trying to catch its tail.

There are so many ways to meet people in the 21st century. There are dating sites, matchmakers, social media, introductions, work/career, and clubs and restaurants to name a few. I know some of these sources are less than perfect, but they still offer ways to meet people in our fast-paced lives—And yet, there are so many people who are still 40 and single. Many have never married, are widows/widowers, or are divorced. But they are all looking for love. There have to be reasons why people reach 40 without meeting the one for them. Truth is, some people may be sabotaging themselves. Are you one of them?

Here are few things a lot of people who are 40 and single do that may be hurting their chances:

1. Are you dating the same schmuck over and over again?
Have you ever met someone who just can’t let go of a past relationship? They talk about it all the time, trying to figure out what went wrong. They feel this person should have been the right one and can’t see the reality of why they weren’t a match. What ends up happening is that they keep trying to find this same type of person, often subconsciously, hoping they can make a relationship work this time around. They end up dating the same schmuck again and again. I’m sure you’ve heard the quote, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” Well, here is a case in point. If you keep dating the same type of person over and over, you will continue to get the same result as before. You have to be willing to move on from failed relationships, learn from them, and open yourself up to meeting different types of people. Only then will you be able to stop the insanity and find love.

2. Are you allowing the right one to slip by?
We all have our standard type of person who we’re interested in and attracted to, but that can often stop us from giving someone who might be right for us the time of day. Don’t let having a type make you too stubborn to look outside the box and give someone a chance that you wouldn’t ordinarily consider. Or get so obsessed with who you think you should be with that the right one to slips through your fingers. So what if someone has blonde hair instead of brown. So what if he or she is two inches shorter than you are used to. Maybe the person you’re thinking about rejecting is actually the one who will treat you with the respect, give you the love you deserve, and has the moral fiber you’re looking for.

3. Are you looking for the impossible?
Are your standards so rigid that no one can ever match them? Does what you’re looking for even exist? Maybe it’s time to do some soul searching and really think about the expectations you have for the person you want and narrow your list to the five most important qualities you’re looking for instead of a two-page list. No one could possibly fulfill all of your requirements (if they do, you are one lucky person!) so be open-minded.

4. Are you looking for love in enough places?
You claim you know the type of person you want to meet, but what are you doing to look for him or her? Are you sitting at home watching a movie and eating popcorn? If so, the person of your dreams is not going to come through the television. If you love to golf, join a golf club. If you love tennis, get out there and play. If you want to improve your computer skills, take a class. You have a better chance of meeting a like-minded person by joining something you enjoy. The reality is, you don’t know where or when you’re going to meet that special someone, but taking advantage of all the opportunities—whether it be clubs, courses, online dating, or matchmaking—will help you find someone. The more you do, the better your chances.

There are plenty of good people out there who are single over 40 and in search of the same things you are. At the end of the day, everybody wants to find a perfect love and enjoy their companionship. For most, it’s not easy, especially the older we get. Being realistic about the qualities you want, avoiding patterns that haven’t worked for you in the past, and getting yourself involved in more activities that you enjoy can help maximize your chances of meeting the right one.

More from The Date Mix
40+ Dating: 5 Ways It’s Changed Since You Were Last Single
Online Dating 40+ Dating: 5 Ways It’s Changed Since You Were Last Single
5 Things to Ask Yourself This December if You’re 40 and Single
Dating in Your 40s 5 Things to Ask Yourself This December if You’re 40 and Single
Top 5 Ways to Balance Being a Single Parent and Dating
Dating with Kids Top 5 Ways to Balance Being a Single Parent and Dating
5 Surprising Ways Dating Makes You Better at Life
Single Life 5 Surprising Ways Dating Makes You Better at Life