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6 Signs That You Have a Fear of Intimacy

A couple who has a fear of intimacy leaning against each other and thinking.

Being fearful of intimacy can impact your ability to find love and stay in a healthy relationship. Even if you really want to be with someone, there’s still that part of you that gets scared about being close. If you think your lack of healthy relationships comes from a place of fear or if you think your relationship problems coms from a fear of getting to close to someone, check out some of the signs that show you have a fear of intimacy.  

1. You push people away.
Not physically but you’re doing things that create distance between you and your partner, which inevitably leads to them leaving you. Perhaps you’re pushing them away by not communicating or sharing your feelings, making yourself too busy, being mean or rude, or doing things to show you don’t care about them. When you push people away like this, there’s usually a reason why. 

2. You always end up with people who are no good for you.
If your relationships always end badly, take a look at who you’re dating. Is there a trend? Chances are your exes have some similar qualities that contribute to your failed relationships. You may know the person is bad for you but stay with them anyways because you subconsciously want the relationship to fail.  

This is a sure sign you have a fear of intimacy because you’re letting yourself end up with people who are not good for you. A part of you knows it won’t work out and you’ll eventually be single again.

3. You sabotage your own relationships.
Another sign you fear intimacy is that you find a way to ruin every romantic relationship you’re in. Have you cheated on partners in the past? Made yourself extremely hard to get close to? Always put your partner last? Chances are you’re doing so because deep down, you don’t want the relationship to last. You fear that it will turn into something more than what it already is, and do your best to stop that.    

4. You’re over-committed to your job or hobby.
When you fear intimacy, you aren’t prioritizing intimacy. Instead, you over-commit yourself to other things. For example, your job. You stay later than you really need to or are constantly on your phone. This creates added distance between you and your partner.  

Or, perhaps you over-commit to working out every day for hours, or to another hobby, and don’t give any time to your relationship and partner. In other words, you’re distracting yourself from your fear of intimacy rather than dealing with it.

5. You always let yourself get emotionally closer to someone else.
Even though you have a partner at home, you’re emotionally closer to someone else, which can be a coworker, an ex, a friend of the opposite sex, etc. Why are you telling them deeper and more personal things about yourself instead of telling your partner?

Probably because you won’t let yourself get emotionally invested in the other person. There is also a very important part of intimacy that is emotional, and when you become more emotionally intimate with someone else, it’s a sign that you fear intimacy and getting close to your partner.

6. You think you’re putting yourself out there, but you’re hardly trying.
You say you want to be with someone, but when you take a step back, how hard are you really trying? Are you going online and actively looking and keeping conversations going, or do you offer very vague responses and don’t ask questions back?  When you’re out at a bar, do you let guys or girls approach you or do you spend your time looking down at your phone, unaware of all the potential around you?  You might be trying to convince yourself that you are trying to find love, but subconsciously, you’re stopping yourself because of a deeper fear of intimacy.

Many people fear intimacy—it’s hard getting close to someone and nobody wants to be rejected. But getting close to people and letting them get close to you is an important aspect of your life and relationships. If you find yourself constantly pushing people away and sabotaging your relationships, it’s time to look into why this behavior feels natural to you. Once you understand yourself and your reactions, it will be easier to form the relationships you really want and deserve.

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