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How to Easily Spot an Emotionally Unavailable Man

An emotionally unavailable man walking down a foggy beach and thinking.

Most women know better than to try to connect with an emotionally unavailable man—but we’re not always good at recognizing them.

If you’re reading this, then you’ve probably wondered, “Why do I do all the work in my relationships?” Maybe you’ve read books on the subject or attended a few seminars to improve your love life.

I see you. I empathize with your struggles and respect the work you’ve put in. Today I’m here to help you change the only thing you can: the way you protect your heart and mind. That means recognizing from the start the men who will hurt you.

Three things you should know about emotionally distant men:

1. Good men can be emotionally unavailable…
I do not want to demonize emotionally unavailable men. They’re not all jerks and they don’t all hate romance. They could very well just not want a relationship. Being simultaneously single and off the market only means that they’re not looking to fall in love right now—that doesn’t make them bad.

2. …which means they can also have positive traits (and you need to ignore them).
They can be charming and sensitive. They can be great communicators, but if they don’t want to be your boyfriend, that’s that. With the emotionally unavailable sort, you need to ignore the positives and see these men for who they are. If they indicate there’s no long-term romantic future, then take that and leave.

3. Emotionally unavailable men aren’t the only ones at fault.
It’s not hard to spot an emotionally unavailable man. They’re non-committal. They go silent whenever they want. Sure, that behavior is on them, but it’s also your responsibility to read the signs. Furthermore, many men will be honest and explicit about their intentions to date (or not to date) you. They will say that they’re not looking for a relationship. It’s your responsibility to take them at their word. Don’t assume you can change their mind. Respect their choice and move on.

It’s not in your power to make a man emotionally available. He has to want that on his own. Focus on what’s in your control: your tolerance for his lack of commitment. 

Start by paying attention to his actions:
– He doesn’t refer to you as his girlfriend.
– There’s substantial silence between dates.
– He says, “I’m not looking for anything serious right now.”

If he does any of these, he’s unavailable—no matter how nice, attractive, successful, caring, or funny he is. You’re wasting your time, but you don’t have to.

Keep your heart open, but keep your eyes open too. Look for these signs and cut your losses when you see them.

You deserve to be in a fulfilling partnership where you’re both available for long-term love.

Dr. Danielle Dowling is a Doctor of Psychology, life coach, and speaker who helps women release limitations and re-introduces them to the dreams they’d forgotten or put on the shelf. If you want clarity on what you truly want, to be able to pinpoint and clear away the obstacles and patterns that are holding you back, and create the magnetic, radiant life you’ve always desired…. you’re in the right place. Schedule a complimentary discovery call or learn more about finding your soulmate at

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