Do You Have High Standards or Impossible Expectations?

A woman who has high standards, at her engagement having her hand kissed by her fiance.

I always say that in order to find a partner that’s going to be a good fit for you, it’s best to know what you want in a relationship before jumping into one. That being said, there’s a fine line between knowing what you deserve, and expecting someone to move the moon and the stars for you.

Are you someone who always feels let down in a relationship? Are you constantly struggling to make it past date number two? If so, this could be a sign that you have impossible expectations.

Most of the thoughts and ideas we have about relationships come from what we’ve grown up seeing in movies, reading in books, or witnessing in our own families. Our expectations develop early on, and influence the way we view our partner, or potential partner.

Expectations aren’t bad, but unrealistic ones can stop you from finding love, and enjoying a healthy relationship.

Here are six signs that your expectations are verging on impossible.

1. You expect your partner to be a mind reader.
Are you disappointed or frustrated when your partner doesn’t automatically know how you’re feeling, and understand the reasons behind those feelings?

You shouldn’t be—because nobody is a mind reader. It takes constant communication for two people to understand each other’s needs and expectations. Without this, you’ll constantly feel disappointed or unhappy, because your partner doesn’t have a chance to fully understand what’s going on in your mind.

Try communicating openly and honestly when dating or in a relationship.

2. Your list of deal breakers is endless.
Know what you want and don’t want; yes. But if your list of deal breakers goes on and on, then chances are no one is going to be able to meet your expectations.

At the end of the day, most of us are just looking for love. We want someone we can trust, someone we can build a life with, someone we have passion for, and someone who loves us for all that we are. So if someone ticks all of those boxes, is it really important if they’re taller than you, or have blue eyes? Try re-evaluating your list, and see if you have any more luck.

3. You expect to never argue or disagree.
If anyone in a relationship tells you they never argue with their partner, they’re lying to you. Every couple argues. It’s normal, and it can actually be healthy to navigate conflict together. Conflict allows you to get to know each other’s likes, dislikes, needs, and ambitions on a deeper level.

Going into a relationship expecting not to have disagreements is totally unrealistic. A relationship can still work with conflict involved, and doesn’t need to be avoided.

4. You think you have to spend all your time together.
Couples need to spend a significant amount of time together to build a strong partnership, and maintain that. But being independent, and having a life outside of the relationship is equally important. This means socializing with friends, family, and colleagues, as well as engaging in any hobbies or activities you enjoy.

This creates adequate space for both people, and ensures you both have your own identity. It also means that the time you do spend together will be even more special.

If you struggle to be away from your partner, and feel like you need to spend every minute together, spend some time thinking about why you think that might be.  

5. You think you don’t have to work at a relationship.
Movies give us the idea that relationships are these magical, dreamy things, that are effortless and all rainbows and unicorns. Anyone who has ever been in one knows this is not the reality. Relationships require effort, time, love, patience, and consistent dedication to grow and remain healthy and strong.

Sometimes relationships go through rough patches, and you’ll both have to work a little bit harder than usual. This doesn’t mean you no longer love each other, or that you should give up on everything you’ve built together. If you believe that relationships don’t require work, you could spend your entire life looking for someone and never find them.

6. You and/or your partner never feel good enough.
If you continually find yourself in relationships where you end up feeling inadequate, or you make your partner feel like they’re not good enough, it’s a strong sign that your expectations are out of whack with reality.

If one or both people feel like they’re always walking on eggshells around the other, anxious about irritating or hurting the other, it creates a really stressful environment where you end up growing apart by avoiding each other.

Impossible expectations can never work in a world filled with imperfect people. Nobody is perfect, not even you, so you’ll never find a perfect relationship that will satisfy your desires.

When you understand and accept that no one is perfect, you release yourself and others from this competition that nobody can ever win.

Taking responsibility for your own life and happiness will help you to ease the pressure off a partner, and create a much happier and loving relationship.

Shani Jay

Bestselling Author and Empowerment Coach

Shani is a bestselling author, empowerment coach for women, and self-love advocate. She is the author of Bloom, The Babe Bible, Glow Getter, and Light Up Your Life; and her writing has been featured on many internationally recognized platforms including The Huffington Post, Thought Catalog, and Teen Vogue.

​In 2016 Shani founded The Glow Getter Tribe – a self-love & kindness movement which helps young girls & women worldwide feel happy, confident and beautiful starting from the inside, out.

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