How to Talk to Women You’re Interested In Without Screwing Up

A guy who learned how to talk to woman, whispering in her ear at a coffee shop as she laughs.

It can be scary to approach a woman you’re interested in for a variety of reasons. It’s very, very important to be respectful, to have full consent, and to make sure you’re not interjecting into her personal time and space. And, you know, you also want to impress her, let her you know you’re interested, and have fun. 

Even after you’re in the clear and feel confident that she wants you to talk to her, there’s still a bundle of reasons you may be a little nervous. What if you say something stupid? What if you make a joke she doesn’t think is funny? What if she’s interested until you open your mouth and then she’s immediately not? While these are extreme examples, the fear is always real.

With these approaches, hopefully you can more confidently talk to that woman you’re interested in without making a major misstep. 

Be genuine.
One of the most important things is to be genuine when you’re talking to a woman you like (or anyone). You won’t do yourself any favors by attempting to be someone you’re not, or by attempting to fill a role that you think she wants. Genuineness is a quality that everyone should have, but not everyone does. Be true to who you are, mean what you say, and be honest—these are the things that will ensure you don’t blow the conversation.

Be honest.
As mentioned above, being honest is really vital. If you approach a conversation with a woman you like packed with lies and deceit—even small white lies— you’re not going to get anywhere. Be honest about anything she asks you. Don’t lie about your height, don’t lie about why you approached her, don’t lie about your relationship status or your intentions. Be totally honest and it will be much easier to keep the conversation on track.

Ask her about herself.
This one is a fine line. Most women aren’t going to feel particularly comfortable divulging all of their personal information to someone who has just approached them. However, if you’re having a conversation and you realize it’s been entirely one-sided (aka, you’ve been talking about yourself a lot) make sure you ask her about herself. Stay far away from questions that seem too personal (don’t ask her if she lives alone, don’t ask her about her last partner, don’t ask her how much money she makes) but make sure you’re engaging her in a conversation. 

Don’t overdo the compliments.
But compliments are nice! Yes, they are, but they can also be entirely out of line. Most women are used to people commenting on their appearance in situations that they don’t necessarily want to be complimented in. If you do feel completely inclined to pay a compliment, make sure it’s not entirely physical. If you’ve been talking for awhile and you know she’s also interested in you, it’s okay to slowly work toward complimenting her hair or style or beautiful eyes—don’t lead with that. In the first few conversations, leaning too heavily on compliments may come across as a bit creepy and not genuine.

Make eye contact.
Making eye contact during a conversation is a skill not all of us possess—though it should be. When she’s talking to you, look her in the eye and nowhere else. Don’t look down and away, don’t look into your drink, and certainly don’t stare at her mouth and chest. While she’s talking to you, stay engaged, curious, and respectful. A little effort goes a long way.

Talking to women doesn’t have to be scary, though it is for many people. If you’re interested in getting to know your friend’s friend, your colleague, or someone you just got seated next to in a bar, it’s important to remember a few things. Be yourself, be respectful, and make sure she wants to talk to you first. It’s even okay to ask that simple question—“Hey, do you mind if we talk for a bit?”

Jessica Tholmer

Freelance Writer

Jess Tholmer has been writing on the internet for what feels like most of her life. After studying English Literature in school, she has leaned into her degree and is a full-time content writer, social media manager, and freelance contributor to websites like HelloGiggles.com. You can find her @tholmz on Twitter and Instagram!

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