7 Reasons You Go Back to Someone Even When You Know You Deserve Better

A couple sitting on a park bench.

When you have history with someone, and there’s still a lot of feelings there, it’s easy to find yourself being drawn back to them and your relationship. It doesn’t matter if your head knows it’s not healthy for you, and you know in your heart you deserve better; when you’re in it, everything gets kinda blurry and confusing.

You don’t want to admit to yourself that you’re not being treated the way you want to be, or deserve to be, and you’re afraid of putting an end to it for good and moving on into the unknown.

When your friends and family ask why you keep going back, and you tell them you still love them, the only person you’re trying to convince is yourself.

Here are 7 reasons why you find yourself going back to someone, even when your intuition tells you not to.

1. You’ve lost your self-worth.
If your confidence and self-worth has been damaged recently, or was never solid to begin with, you may fail to see what’s right and wrong, and allow someone to mistreat you because you’ve come to see it as normal.

If someone is taking advantage of your kindness or generosity, or draining you of your spirit and happiness, then they aren’t someone you should be spending time with. The trouble is, the more someone takes from us, the more we can trick ourselves into thinking we’re wanted. But if you’re the one giving and receiving nothing in return, this is a toxic relationship.

2. Your brain tricks you into believing this can be a happily ever after.
You’re attracted to them, you think about the good times you’ve had together, and your mind thinks about how great things could be, instead of focusing on the way things actually are right now.

If they truly cared about you and wanted to make things work, you would be a priority, and you would know about it. Your happily ever after is still out there waiting for you. But it’s not with this person.

3. Feelings are more important to you than facts.
Our feelings and emotions can rule us if we don’t notice it or are totally unaware of what it looks like. Remind yourself of the facts; everything that has been said and done; everything you know to be true. Let these circle in your head, and become more important than your feelings about the relationship. This will help you see things clearer, without those volatile emotions that get in the way.

4. You think they give you security when they really make you anxious.
You’re afraid of letting go and moving on for good, because they’re all you know or have known for a long time, and that makes you feel safe and secure. Or at least you think it does. And you’re afraid to lose that feeling.

You wouldn’t be reading this if there wasn’t an internal conflict going on inside you. On the one hand, part of you is still hooked, while the other knows it’s best to move on. And this is a vicious cycle that continues to go on in your mind, keeping you in a constant state of anxiety.

5. You’re hoping they’ll change.
The question is, how long have you been hoping for, and how long are you prepared to continue hoping for?

It’s true that some people do change, but there’s no guarantee. Instead of hoping that they’ll surprise everyone and end up being that one in a million person who does turn things around, wouldn’t it be best to put your present health and happiness first? It’s always hard to walk away from someone we love, but sometimes it’s more painful to stay.

6. You love them more than you love yourself.
If you’re allowing your love for them to keep you in a relationship where you’re being treated poorly, then this is a strong indicator that you love them more than you love yourself.

This is never a healthy way to be in any relationship, and this is why it’s so important to work on loving yourself first and foremost, before trying to love someone else. Think about this next time before jumping into another relationship.

7. You’re afraid of being alone.
Many of us—men and women—are guilty of being in mediocre relationships simply because we’d rather do that than be on our own, and have to face ourselves.

But this isn’t doing anyone any favors. You need to learn to love spending time with yourself and get comfortable being alone, and realize you’re already whole without a partner.

It’s hard to let go of someone and be single when we’re so used to being with someone. But wouldn’t it be better to venture into the unknown, instead of sticking with the familiar drill of being hurt, leaving, hearing their apology, forgiving them, and you go back again?

Who knows what will happen next, but you deserve worlds better than that cycle.

Shani Jay

Bestselling Author and Empowerment Coach

Shani is a bestselling author, empowerment coach for women, and self-love advocate. She is the author of Bloom, The Babe Bible, Glow Getter, and Light Up Your Life; and her writing has been featured on many internationally recognized platforms including The Huffington Post, Thought Catalog, and Teen Vogue.

​In 2016 Shani founded The Glow Getter Tribe – a self-love & kindness movement which helps young girls & women worldwide feel happy, confident and beautiful starting from the inside, out.

No Comments Yet

Comments are closed