How to Be a More Natural Flirt

A man who thought he wasn't a natural flirt, smiling at a girl on his shoulders who's smiling back at him.

What does it even mean to “flirt” with someone? Well, in a nutshell, it’s when two people are communicating in a playful way with each other, creating tension, energy, and excitement—and an important note is that it should be enjoyable for BOTH people.

Unfortunately, we’re not all natural born flirts. Even some of the most confident people can freeze up around someone they have feelings for. But that’s okay, because like most things, this is something that you can improve on.

Here’s how you can be a more natural flirt.

Practice, practice, practice.
A large part of flirting is being completely comfortable and confident talking to people you don’t know. Many of us find this intimidating, and avoid such encounters, but in doing so we miss out on so many potential connections, friendships, and relationships.

So, how do you become confident at this?

You practice. Then you practice some more. And you keep on practicing until you feel comfortable and confident doing it, because you’ve removed any of the fear or anxiety by forcing yourself out of your comfort zone.

Things might be awkward to begin with, but that’s okay—this is part of the process. This is how we improve. Quitting is only going to hold you back.

Mirror the body language of the other person.
There has been a lot of research done that suggests when we feel comfortable and connected to someone we’re talking to, we end up mirroring each other’s body language.

So, if they have a hand resting on their face, you can gently bring your hand up to yours—which will put them at ease. If they have their legs crossed or their arms folded across their chest, it means they’re closing themselves off to you, which is a sign this might not be the best person to flirt with.

Pay specific attention to the other person.
Like I mentioned earlier, if only one person is enjoying flirting, then it’s a failure. It has to be mutually enjoyable. But, how do you know if the other person is enjoying it?

By paying close attention to them. This means getting out of your head, and into the moment. Focus, and be present. Don’t think about something funny to say, or playing it cool. When you bring your focus to the person in front of you, you can understand what they desire, and then try and give that to them.

Give compliments.
If you’re new to this, compliments are a great way to break the ice. Find something genuine and interesting to say that will help you stand out from everyone else.

For example, women get told they’re hot/sexy/pretty ALL the time. You’re not making yourself stand out when you say that.

On the other hand, noticing the yellow dress she’s wearing and saying something like, “That color really brings out your eyes,” is much more personal, and authentic. Be that person.

Create an emotional experience..
Flirting is about creating an emotional experience, and you can’t do this when you’re keeping things logical. So ditch talking about politics or science, and start talking about something this person is passionate about. People come alive when they speak about their passions.

Take down your wall a little, and get comfortable expressing yourself emotionally. People really love conversations like this.

You need to be communicating with people who are looking for the same thing.
If you’re trying to flirt with someone who’s totally not interested, or on a different page than you, it won’t be received well. Feel into the situation, and do your best to read this person. If things aren’t flowing, or you’re being shut down, move on. Flirting is only fun in pairs!

Smile more.
This is a simple one, but consciously smiling more helps to open up your face, and draw other people towards you. It also helps us to be received as warm, friendly people, whom others feel safe with—a great foundation for some flirting to begin!

Look, then look away.
Eye contact is sexy. If there’s someone you’re interested in, look at them until they catch your eye. Hold that gaze for a few seconds, smile, then look away. This will let them know you’ve noticed them, and give them an invitation to come over and talk to you.

Think about why you want to be better at flirting?
Why do you want to become a more natural flirt? Is it to get more people to be attracted to you? If so, flirting isn’t always the answer. All you really need to do is to be more genuine. Be yourself, and be confident in who you are, and people will be drawn to you.

Being terrible at flirting is definitely not the worst thing in the world, and plenty of people have managed to bag themselves long term relationships without mastering this skill. However, there are things you can do get better at if if you want to. 

Shani Jay

Bestselling Author and Empowerment Coach

Shani is a bestselling author, empowerment coach for women, and self-love advocate. She is the author of Bloom, The Babe Bible, Glow Getter, and Light Up Your Life; and her writing has been featured on many internationally recognized platforms including The Huffington Post, Thought Catalog, and Teen Vogue.

​In 2016 Shani founded The Glow Getter Tribe – a self-love & kindness movement which helps young girls & women worldwide feel happy, confident and beautiful starting from the inside, out.

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